Thursday, February 18, 2016

My Triplets Turned 16 and I Fell Apart

I had no idea I would become an emotional wreck when my triplets turned 16 years old.  I leaned into to the day with pride, joy and excitement.  We celebrated with sheer abandon.  The next day I was flooded with memories and the tears began to flow.

I had to make some really difficult decisions from very early on.  When my three were just 4 months old, I became a single parent with no child support.  My degree is in Early Childhood Education and when I became pregnant, I was the Director of a great child care center.  I was laid off during my maternity leave.

Before starting a family I made the appropriate plans, as all good americans are taught to do.  I had a solid degree, a solid job, owned a home and was ready to start a child at a time.  After 2 years of fertility issues and the heart-wrenching ups and downs of this cycle, it was decided that I would be just slightly more aggressive with the treatments.  The first month with the new treatment, I became pregnant with three.  My reaction to the news was pure bliss!  I had no doubts that there was a plan in place and all I needed to do is allow and receive.  Plus, my education would surely be a great asset with a 'group' of children to raise.

Given my petite size, the doctors approached me about selective reduction.  They told me that all three babies may not make it and/or I may not make it through the birth.  It was made clear that the smallest fetus would be the best choice.  I didn't hesitate to tell the doctor that I did not choose to become pregnant with three lives and I will not choose to change that fact.  I felt strongly that I was given a gift...three gifts and it was my responsibility to do all that I could to carry out the pregnancy for all of the gifts I was given.  I wasn't scared.  I was hopeful and open to the task that was handed to me.  I know who the smallest fetus was at the time and can not imagine the huge mistake it would have been to terminate that life.  I am so grateful I refused to make that decision!

No job, no child support and living 2 hours away from where I had built a life, I still had hope.  Although I didn't have the means to buy them many things or pay for a home of our own, I supported them as individuals, I kept them safe, taught them right from wrong and guided them to explore each of their worlds.  My focus has been to encourage these wonderful people to become the best of who they are meant to be.

For 12 years I was a single parent and money was scarce, but hope was abundant!  My kids were happy, healthy and exploring what life had to offer.

Our lives have changed significantly since they were 12.  I met an amazing man who was open to creating an instant family and we got married.  We now own investment property and I have a thriving real estate career.

Two days ago my triplets turned 16 years old.  On that day, I was saying, "I kept them alive for 16 years.  I don't even have a plant that has been alive more than 4 years."  I realized the reason I was saying that was because of the magnitude of responsibility I took on.  During those trying years, I shrugged off the comments of, "Triplets!  Oh my gosh.  How do you do it?" or "I have one!  I have no idea how you keep it together with three...born at the same time!"  I would not allow myself to be open to the concept of it being hard.  If I had, I wouldn't have been able to do what I did.  The doubts and stress would have eaten me up.

I realize now, that part of my calling was to raise these three souls.  They are not mine, I was just given the amazing opportunity to guide them and keep them safe until they could stand on their own.  We have a few more years before they are fully able to be independent, if they choose and I'm sure they will all fly.  They are my miracles!

Happy Birthday to my three blessings, Zyon, Hannah and Jordan.  I would do it all over again if you needed me to.  xoxoxoxo

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Has It Really Been almost 2 Years?

I just can't believe how time has flown by!  It's incredible to me that I haven't written a blog post in almost 2 years.  I'm sure you're wondering where I've been...especially because, when I started this blog, I was posting every day.

Let me tell you...My life has taken a turn!  A massive turn for the good...for the amazing.  About 3 years ago I decided that I wasn't going to work with traditional doctors anymore.  I was tired of trying a new prescription medication and landing in the ER.  This happened about 6 times in 8 months.  I learned, not so very quickly, that my body can not handle prescription medications.  I turned to Naturopathic Medicine.  Once my body began to clear of toxins and my organs began to function, regularly again, I began to heal.

Just to go back a bit.  I sought out healthy alternatives, often, to try to find what was best for my body to heal.  There are just so many options out there, it would have taken me a lifetime to whittle down what worked for my body.  I was in bed 18 to 20 hours a day with pain, fatigue and brain fog.  I was losing the use of my legs once or twice a week.  It is humbling to have to have a family member walk me to the bathroom when I my legs were too weak to hold me up.  Taking a shower used up all the energy I had for the day.  I pushed myself to exercise a couple of times a week because of the adrenal rush (fake sense of energy) and because doctors said it would help.  My digestion completely shut down....annndddd...I won't go into detail about that whole 6 month episode.  Long story short, traditional medicine doctors said all they could do is surgery and give me a colostomy bag.  That was the last straw with traditional medicine.  I suffered, my family suffered and friendships suffered.  I was unable to work and landed on disability.

As someone who is a diehard entrepreneur, disability didn't sit well with me.  I just didn't have a choice because sitting, or being in bed was pretty much all I could do.  I would call that rock bottom.  I stopped fighting my way through this illness and began to listen to my body, listen to my Naturopath and be committed to a non-toxic lifestyle.

What exactly is a non-toxic lifestyle?  It is eating all organic, grass-fed and farm raised foods.  For me, it is also, no dairy and no processed foods.  In the beginning, I was boiling up a soup I call, salad soup.  Due to my digestive challenges, I am unable to digest raw vegetables so I cut up organic vegetables and added them to some grass-fed chicken broth and boiled it to death.  A non-toxic lifestyle is also eliminating any health care products that have chemicals in them.  Toothpaste, face cream, moisturizer, deodorant and make-up are some of the products I replaced with non-toxic options.

As long as I am focused and determined to keep the toxins out of my life, I feel great!  It has it's the holidays and my sugar addiction.  They don't go well together.  After I 'cheat' I find myself sliding down the slippery slope of fibro flare.  Gladly, I know what sends me down that slope and what brings me back!

I can happily announce that I was once living with a pain level of 7-8 out of 10 on a daily basis and for the last year, I have been living with a pain level of 0-3 consistently.  The fatigue that kept me in bed for 18-20 hours a day has diminished.  I am up and about at 6am and to bed by 10pm.  I've even started working again.  A full-time Realtor!  This is my dream job and I found my way too it...through the muck, but found it anyway!!

I hope that my story can help others find their way to their dreams!  What are your dreams and how can I help you make your way to them?

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!

Monday, July 28, 2014

The Bravest of Hearts


Your light shines bright every moment of everyday
I see that you don't always feel it
Know that those around you are touched, inspired and warmed by it

Go into the quiet, see the light that others see
Allow yourself to be touched, inspired and warmed by that light
Follow the bliss that permeates your cloak of humanness

See beyond the earthly circumstances to the unlimited potential you possess

The weight of the times drags you down
You continue to take steps; big and small
With a faith that carries all

Your shoulders show the heaviness that you carry
Your eyes show the sparkling of love
Your feet show the persistence of never ending hope

From stand still to trudge
Trudge to stomp
Stomp to march
March to skip
Skip to dance

Always making your way to Dance!

Thank you for being The Bravest of Hearts

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

What is Your Chronic Mindset?

What do many of us with chronic illness think about most of the time?  We think about whatever is chronic and getting in the way of living our lives to the fullest.  For me, it's my pain and fuzzy brain.  For some it may be cancer or mental illness.  When we think about the chronic illness part of our lives, it is very difficult to think past just that…illness.

No matter what illness we talk about, just the word 'chronic' insinuates something is wrong, there is a lack of something and we have limitations.  I want to help you change your mindset from the chronic thoughts of chronic illness to the chronic thoughts of chronic wellness.  Yes!  This is possible when living with chronic something.

Let's take the word, chronic and examine it for just a second. offers four similar definitions of this adjective.  The one most of us think of when using the word is, "having long had a disease, habit, weakness or the like."  I'm assuming that the habit that is mentioned must be a bad habit, although that is not clear.  And thank goodness it's not clear, because it leaves the window open for a new thought.  This new way of thinking about something being chronic could be my chronic meditation every morning.  Two of the other definitions that are given are completely in line with this alternate way of thinking about what chronic is.  The first says, "constant; habitual; inveterate." and the second is written, "continuing a long time or recurring frequently."  I have meditated for many years and it occurs frequently.  Best of all, meditation is good for me, I enjoy doing it and it doesn't hurt.

What is your chronic mindset?  No, really.  I want you to acknowledge it.  Good.  Does that line of thinking empower you or shrink you?  Does that thinking allow you to fully express yourself joyfully?  If your answers were, 'no' then it is time to find a new mindset.  Find something, one thing that you do that lifts your spirits.  Do you read uplifting or humorous books, write, help out in any large or small way?  We each have gifts and talents that are meant to be shared and if yours are shadowed by pain or illness, we all lose out.  Know that chronic illness is challenging and good things can come from it.  Start by allowing your body to experience what it is experiencing.  While you allow this, create some joy and watch it grow.

Changing our mindset and focusing on positive, uplifting assets we possess opens doors for a more joyful life.

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following,

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Spring into Action…Gently

Ahh….Springtime.  The time when the early morning sun wakes us from our slumber, beautiful birds singing outside our window, nature begins waking with it's colors and life and we all emerge from the hibernation of Winter.  According to the commercials on TV and the ads in magazines, we should be skipping down the street in a flowy yellow dress with some theme song in the background. "It's a new Day, la, la, la."

Well, not all of us enjoy the sun peering through the window in the morning.  Especially if we just fell asleep after hours of staring at the ceiling.  The birds need a mute button because during a fibro flare, everything sounds like it's channeled through a megaphone.  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the tulips emerging from the dirt and the grass regaining it's green color once again.  Although, when I see this, I wonder where the spring is in my step.  The song in my head goes something like, "Just get through the day with the least amount of pain, bahm, bahm, bahm…"

Of course there's no medical data showing that as the seasons change, flares become more frequent, but just ask someone with fibromyalgia. It's like saying that there's no proof that bad weather triggers arthritis pain.  Just because it's not proven in a lab, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

These days, I'm all about recognizing that weather patterns can change my circumstances then adjusting accordingly.  My pain actually gets worse if I begin to get angry or stressed about the changed experience.  So, I do my best to forgive my body for the pain and do more to nurture my achy back or pained hips.  I think everyone should have a basket full of magic.  Fill it with a favorite bath salt, a good book, soothing music, a comforting blanket, peppermint foot lotion or a great neck pillow.

Today I woke up aching all over and walking into walls.  Really…my daughter even asked why I walked into the wall.  I misjudged the area I had to walk through the doorway.  I haven't felt a flare like this in a while, so I looked out the window and there it was.  It was grey and cloudy.  The clouds looked like they were going to burst with the pressure of the water inside.  That pressure, I feel in my head.  What I did was putter a bit to get some food, tea and my pills and I bumper carred my way back to bed.  I had a bunch on my to-do list but I knew that it would be more frustrating and painful to push myself through the list.  I sighed, embraced and accepted that my to-do's will be to-done another time.

It's so important to know our bodies and to accept each moments.  On the days we feel better or even good, we can get two days worth of to-do lists done.  Then celebrate!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!

Monday, March 24, 2014

WAIT…Is This What Normal Feels Like?

Today has been a day like no other day in the last few years.

I woke up refreshed, which took me off guard.  I'm so use to waking up to the gentle alarm and slowly increasing simulated sunlight and feeling as though I was running a marathon in the dream state.  Today, I opened my eyes and immediately noticed that it was five minutes before my alarm.  My eye lids were not sticking to my eyeballs.  They were unusually moist.  I turned the alarm off before it went off to avoid waking my husband.  The process of getting my legs off the bed and sitting up is typically at a snail's pace.  I started the process taking it slower than molasses, but felt some energy and strength in my legs.  I swung my legs to the floor, sat up and stood…all within seconds.  Any other day, if I had tried that, it would have either been excruciatingly painful or I'd be on the floor.  Not today!  Up and at-um.  I think my hair may have even been floating in the wind with the swift movement.

I reached the floor at the bottom of the steps and paused.  I looked back up the staircase and realized that I alternated legs and didn't hold the handrail all the way down.  I was tempted to try it again, but I didn't want to push my luck.

On most days, I throw a long winter coat over my PJ's to drive the kids to school, but not today.  Today, I got dressed!  I can hardly believe it.  A nice fleece top, jeans and sneakers.  Not that anyone would notice the difference with the long coat, but I could.  Once the kids have been dropped off, I head back home and slowly crawl back into bed with a heating pad.  I'll get up for lunch, dinner and the bathroom but my body aches so deeply when I move that it's hard to get anything done.

I got home from the school run and cleaned the living room, put the laundry away, planned dinner and set up a list of things I could do for the rest of the day.  At noon I left for a day of errands, driving in the sun and visiting the great coast of Maine (about 40 minutes from my home).  I returned home at dinner time with much accomplished.  There was some pain in my neck and torso, but nothing strong enough to knock me down.  Since I've been home, I've done about two hours of paperwork and a Skyped tarot card reading.  Oh, and I'm writing my blog.

This day looks a lot like what I observe from most of society.  Putting daytime clothes on and physically moving and being productive for most of the sunlit hours.  Who knew I'd see this kind of a day again?!  What an incredible blessing!

Now I'm shooting for two 'Normal' days in a row.  Whoo Hoo!  Three cheers for good days!!!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

How Do We Keep Hope Alive?

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2002.  My triplets were two years old and the pain in my shoulders prevented me from holding my babies as much as they/ I wanted.  Although I've observed my Mom fighting and struggling with Fibro for many years before my diagnosis, I decided that I'd never give up on the possibility of overcoming this illness.  I had goals, dreams and babies to raise and support.

I discovered that yoga was a great way for me to manage the pain of Fibro and exercise helped with the Fog.  My determination lead me to becoming a certified yoga instructor and eventually opening my own studio.  After a few years of teaching, the yoga began to trigger flares of full body pain.  I pushed through; trying different methods of rest, epsom salt baths, heating pads, massage, etc… The pain only got worse.  Eventually, the exhaustion took over and I could no longer handle even the slightest amount of stress.  A good day would dangle glimmers of hope and a good month would convince me that my efforts were paying off and I was overcoming this illusive illness…until waking up and feeling as though a truck ran over me.

Each time this cycle of hope and disappointment would make it's rounds, I'd think about ways to stop the emotional roller coaster.  An easy way would be to shut down the feelings of hope, in order to avoid the disappointment on the other end.  This just doesn't feel as though it would enhance my quality of life.  It sounds more like giving up and that's not a concept that works well for me.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm hoping for the wrong things.  My mind has been set on overcoming Fibromyalgia so that I can get back to my life.  That life was many years ago.  There is a chance that my old life just doesn't fit for me anymore.  Come to think of it, the high stress and loads of responsibility that comes with owning and managing my own business don't seem to fit for me anymore.

I refuse to believe that I no longer have a place for hopes and dreams in my life!  I just need to allow them to be realistic to my abilities.  I can cook a wonderful dinner for my husband and kids, when I'm feeling up to it.  I can enjoy an amazing book as long as I let go of the expectation that I'll remember the last chapter I read.  I can be funny, joyful and caring.  I can trust my true friends will support and love me for who I am, not what I can or can't do.

I hope for a day when Fibromyalgia is understood and can be managed and eventually eliminated.  It may not be in my lifetime, so until then, I'm keeping hope alive for all who have and will be affected by this illness.

When I can, I will and when I do, I do with all my heart and soul!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!