What to Do With These Emotions

There are so many aspects of life happening at this time.  The mystic and time must learn how to cooperate.  Without cooperation, there is dis-ease.  

My mother-in-law was in CICU for congestive heart failure last week.  We were successful in transitioning her to a Rehabilitation facility to help her get stronger and do some supervised healing.  I am grateful that during my own Extreme Self-Care process, I was in a place where my energy levels were consistent.  It gave me the opportunity to really be available to Ma during her time of need.  We'll take the next steps to meet her needs as they come up.

The triplets started their final year of Middle school, last week.  Every new school year creates a swirl of energy.  There's excitement, anticipation, sadness about Summer ending, school supplies, new shoes, new clothes, new routines, earlier mornings, etc... Four days before school began, my three had an opportunity to experience their last year of Middle School at a very good private school.  As a family, we chose to add school applications, re-evaluating finances and a major decision, about education, to our already full plate.  Each day was another level of excitement about he possibilities ahead.  It's been decided that the best route, for the kids, would be to finish school where they have been for the last seven years.  Consistency and looking at the big picture of finding a High School (or three), for next year, were the deciding factors.

A dear friend passed away yesterday.  The news hit me hard.  I've been allowing my heart to open more and more this year and I've allowed humility and vulnerability into my life.  It seems as though, that may explain why with her passing, I've been more emotional than any other person's passing prior. I remember my wonderful grandmother deteriorating with Lou Gehrig's Disease and eventually dying.  I didn't cry at the wake or the funeral.  I was sad and I missed her, but there were no tears.  I am surprised that there are so many tears this weekend.  This is very new to me and I continue to remind myself to allow the flow of energy and emotion.  Whatever I'm feeling, in the moment, is exactly what I'm meant to feel.  

It feels as though there are these layers of life changing events, piled on top of each other.  It seems as though, at times, it's too much to handle.  As a mystic, I see the flow of events and experiences, in this world, as the natural state.  When significant events and experiences emerge in a short timeframe, the flow becomes more convoluted...to my toddler-stage inner mystic.  I'm being pulled into my Human experience, throwing off the balance of Spirit and Human.  As a growing mystic, I often encourage myself to see a new perspective and rise above the limiting beliefs and emotions of the Human experience.  I'm learning that it's not an either/or situation.  I am unable to live in a purely spirit realm and I'm unable to live in a purely human realm.  It's time for me to find a balance between the Faith based spirit and the Human experience.  Neither is better than the other and there is no competition needed.  The competitive energy of trying to become more spiritual than human is, eventually, futile.  The essence of living fully is finding that 'special sauce'.  The perfect mix of Spirit having a Human experience.  There are gifts on both ends of the spectrum.  

Today, I will be gentle with myself.  I will allow the emotions with no judgement.  I will allow my body to express itself in whatever way it needs to at this time.  What feels like physical pain and weakness are not bad.  They are just the way my body communicates to me.  "Take a break...for as long as you need to. You must rejuvenate." No expectations. No attachment to some end result. No self-judgement. It's time to be.

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Terri

Nothin' Up My Sleeves

Although I was a professional clown for 10 years, there's no magic here.  I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's shoulders and I definitely don't have any secrets when it comes to my healing process.

I'm just like anyone else...you.  I've had great hardships, losses, I've felt unworthy and unlovable.  There were many times I felt as though life just crushed me and I was down for the count.  Ever since I was 3 years old, I've felt different; an outcast and that there was something wrong with me.  Each time the boulder of life rolled over me, I'd fall into a pity pot and soak there for a while, then I'd get angry and blame the world for all the despair it sent my way.  Every one and every situation around me was at fault.  Then I'd fight my way out of the pity pot and begin the journey of life again.  I practiced this pattern until I got really really good at it.  I was even proud that I pulled myself out so many times...and BY MYSELF.  That was a badge of honor, to do it on my own!  I didn't need anyone and I let people know too.  People, back then called me 'Spitfire' and I wore that name tag, front and center of my ego self.  I built up so many walls and escape routes that my mind was exhausted from remembering the maze of protection I used.

There were many baby steps along the way of opening my awareness, but it wasn't until I gave birth to my triplets when it really hit me.  I began to ask the big questions. Do I want to teach my children the same patterns, in life, that haven't worked for me?  Is there a better way?  If there were a way for me to heal in this lifetime, how could I do that?  Is there more to this life thing than just working, paying bills, feeling like $*** all the time and then dying?

I began my intense study of life and the possibilities of joy.  At that time, I didn't even really believe that life could be lived joyously, but I was determined to find out.  What would it hurt?  My first focus was my physical state.  I tapped more into yoga and exercise as more of a mindfulness activity than just the 'I should' attitude I had prior.  As I became more mindful, I began to feel again.  I was never a big cryer, but the awareness thing opened the floodgates.  Everything made me cry; movies, a first step, an observation of a kind gesture on the streets of Boston, you name it.  They were tears of joy.  Although, I didn't know that at first and I thought I was cracking up.

I gradually moved into a period in my life where I studied and took action with forgiveness in my life.  Those whom I blamed, whom I was hurt by and those I felt left me in despair, I forgave.  I took my time to find a small jewel I could take away from each of those relationships and brief interactions. To my great surprise, every single person and situation where I felt hurt and even broken hearted, there was a valuable gift.  As I came upon this gift in some, I'd get angry.  On one level, I didn't want to find a gift. That would allow me to continue to blame and be angry and get validation that it was just a horrible experience, period.  But no such luck.  There were many life lessons and unexpected gifts.

Oh, as much as I protected my heart, it began to open and it was painful and hard.  What if I soften and open my heart?  Of course people will take advantage and I'll be hurt even more, but I moved forward anyway.  I was cautious and intuitive with people and I began to trust again.

I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia during this opening of awareness and from the beginning I knew that it was a symptom.  A symptom of what...well, I'm still working on that one.  My belief is that once I uncover the root of illness in Me (mind, body, spirit), then I love and care for the root cause.  Once the root is healed, the symptoms go away.  It sounds simple, but why would it need to be hard?

I continued my journey and found my spiritual home.  That was 12 years ago and looking back, I was so scared and hidden.  Unity on the River taught me so much about myself, about the world and gave me a place to be different.  I was an in-cast.  I learned and practiced affirmations, vision boards, read spiritual texts, began taking classes to be a Minister and totally embraced the transformation happening within.

Most recently, after years of disheartening doctor's appointments and being shuffled around from one expert to another, I was referred to Human Nature Natural Health where I feel I found my individualized sustainable Health Care home.  It is a place I resonate with and I share similar beliefs and values with.  I feel that I'm on the right track to sustainable good health.  It's a process, like any other, that doesn't happen over night.  I'm fine with that.

This is just a snippet of my journey.  I wanted to share it to let others know that it is possible to find joy and health.  It means taking full responsibility for your life, awareness, health and growth.  I'm going to be direct and let you know that it's not a cake walk and it takes hard work.  My quality of life is worth it and yours is too!  No one can do it for you and it can't be done alone!  There is no cookie cutter, overnight solution.

The key for everyone is balance.  Finding balance in the health of Mind, Body and Spirit.  You are worth it!  I encourage you to take one step at a time and that step might be to realize that you must love you to find whole health.


Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!
Terri