Spring into Action…Gently

Ahh….Springtime.  The time when the early morning sun wakes us from our slumber, beautiful birds singing outside our window, nature begins waking with it's colors and life and we all emerge from the hibernation of Winter.  According to the commercials on TV and the ads in magazines, we should be skipping down the street in a flowy yellow dress with some theme song in the background. "It's a new Day, la, la, la."

Well, not all of us enjoy the sun peering through the window in the morning.  Especially if we just fell asleep after hours of staring at the ceiling.  The birds need a mute button because during a fibro flare, everything sounds like it's channeled through a megaphone.  Don't get me wrong, I love seeing the tulips emerging from the dirt and the grass regaining it's green color once again.  Although, when I see this, I wonder where the spring is in my step.  The song in my head goes something like, "Just get through the day with the least amount of pain, bahm, bahm, bahm…"

Of course there's no medical data showing that as the seasons change, flares become more frequent, but just ask someone with fibromyalgia. It's like saying that there's no proof that bad weather triggers arthritis pain.  Just because it's not proven in a lab, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

These days, I'm all about recognizing that weather patterns can change my circumstances then adjusting accordingly.  My pain actually gets worse if I begin to get angry or stressed about the changed experience.  So, I do my best to forgive my body for the pain and do more to nurture my achy back or pained hips.  I think everyone should have a basket full of magic.  Fill it with a favorite bath salt, a good book, soothing music, a comforting blanket, peppermint foot lotion or a great neck pillow.

Today I woke up aching all over and walking into walls.  Really…my daughter even asked why I walked into the wall.  I misjudged the area I had to walk through the doorway.  I haven't felt a flare like this in a while, so I looked out the window and there it was.  It was grey and cloudy.  The clouds looked like they were going to burst with the pressure of the water inside.  That pressure, I feel in my head.  What I did was putter a bit to get some food, tea and my pills and I bumper carred my way back to bed.  I had a bunch on my to-do list but I knew that it would be more frustrating and painful to push myself through the list.  I sighed, embraced and accepted that my to-do's will be to-done another time.

It's so important to know our bodies and to accept each moments.  On the days we feel better or even good, we can get two days worth of to-do lists done.  Then celebrate!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

Under The Weather

I kept hearing myself say that I was 'under the weather', to describe how I was feeling and realized that I truly didn't know what the phrase meant.  Of course, I had to google it.  Many sources say that it's a phrase that comes from a maritime source.  It has to do with rough waters and adverse weather while out at sea.  Here's what I found:

"Under the weather. To feel ill. Originally it meant to feel seasick or to be adversely affected by bad weather. The term is correctly 'under the weather bow' which is a gloomy prospect; the weather bow is the side upon which all the rotten weather is blowing." From "Salty Dog Talk: The Nautical Origins of Everyday Expressions" by Bill Beavis and Richard G. McCloskey (Sheridan House, Dobbs Ferry, N.Y., 1995. First published in Great Britain, 1983).

So, in Terri world, it seems to fit.  Although, I'm not out at sea, I am affected by weather patterns.  I haven't experienced a fibro-flare in quite some time and then… it hit yesterday. I don't quite have a clear explanation for why my body went into flare, but I'll do my best to make something up.  I'll be sure to make it sound convincing, too.

I've been having difficulty swallowing the 10+ supplement pills at each meal.  It all began the day I was not as mindful of my meal and supplements, while I ate.  After about 6 pills, it felt as though they had stacked up, end to end, in my esophagus.  Once I noticed this strange sensation, I chalked it up to not paying attention and taking them too quickly.  About a week later, a pill got stuck in the center of my chest.  I could have sworn that it was sideways in my esophagus, refusing to complete its journey.  I had visions of the cartoon character who swallowed a spoon and you could see the outline of the spoon as it moved down the neck.  There was stabbing pain and I had to stop what I was doing, go lie down, relax and breath until the stubborn little thing decided to move on.  Pills got stuck in my chest a few times, then it felt as thought they were getting lodged in my throat.  Food, water, tea; nothing would push them down.

I contacted my trusted Dr. and he suggested that I stop taking the many pills and stick to just the liquid supplements for a few days.  If there was some irritation or inflammation in the esophagus, these days would allow for some healing.  

Two days after cutting back on the pills, the pain in my head and shoulders returned.  Another day went by and my feet began to ache and then my legs and hips.  Today, I'm hobbling about, holding onto walls and tables to get around.  Needless to say, hobbling isn't helping, so I've put myself to bed.  I decided to begin taking the supplements with the hope that the pain will subside, as it did before, with these treatments.

If the flare is not related to the lack of supplement support, maybe it is the weather.  New England has been really, really, 2 degrees (wind chill), cold for a couple of days.  I'll surely find out soon if the pain is reduced before the cold weather goes away.  If it's not the weather, I'm going to have to find another phrase for how I'm feeling.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

A Blip on the Radar

Today, 14 of our friends and relatives helped us move my mother-in-law's belongings from her apartment to our garage.  Over the last 3 weeks, my husband, kids and I have been packing the apartment, organizing and cleaning to prepare for today.  I was impressed that it took only 30 minutes to fill 7 cars with boxes and furniture.  One trip and we finished.

Although, I began to get overwhelmed with the process going so quickly, I experienced no fibro pain.  When I realized this, it occurred to me that we're well into November.  For the last few years, once the fall hit, the pain crept in.  My legs ached, my hips hurt, I got shooting pain in my back and my shoulders burned.  Lately, I've been out of bed more often than I've been in.  This must mean, PROGRESS with my healing!

A week ago, I felt some pain in my hips and my shoulder popped out of the socket while I was sleeping.  This happened last winter also.  While sound asleep, I roll from my back to my side and as I roll onto my shoulder, the joint dislocates…and it hurts; waking me from a deep sleep.  I usually have to focus on breathing calmly and relaxing my shoulder to coax it back into place.  My Rheumatologist told me I have lose joints.  It doesn't sound like a medical diagnosis, but it is a bit strange.  Over the years, once these symptoms flared up in the cooler weather, the avalanche of fibromyalgia symptoms grew.  Summers are easiest for me when it comes to fibro, but it seems as though this year is different.  Other than this little blip on my fibro radar, there's no avalanche.

After a day of packing, I would tell my husband that I'll be paying for all the effort, lifting and moving for the next week, but there was no consequence to my increased activity.

I'm noticing some improvement in my health and I'm grateful.  I'm also glad that I have a doctor who can give me a clearer picture of my overall level of health.  As someone who has learned to acclimate  to moving through life with extremely low energy, when I have a drip of energy, it feels like I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.  Dr. Bier brings me down to reality and helps me see that, yes, there has been improvement, and to continue to hold back on any leaping of buildings.  I have a long way to go to build my energy stores and repair damage to my body's systems.

There really is something to say about learning what works for you and doing it no matter what!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

What It All Comes Down To

The last four days have been physically challenging and when my body is challenged, it effects my moods, energy and thoughts.  With a keen awareness of the subtle shifts in those three areas, I do my best to gently self correct.  Today was especially difficult.  My sense of inner direction was obviously low on batteries because exercise, changing my thoughts and extra rest were not soothing the irritability.  The last resort was to make a call to my doctor and go in for some treatment.

Through the tornado of the morning, my husband held tight.  Once I made my appointment to get some help, I could see the relief in his windblown look.  This wonderful man jumped into action taking on my 'must-do' list and making sure there was healthy food waiting for me when I got back.  He also did the triplet shuffle (car pooling the kids here, there and everywhere) at the end of the day.

When the kids got home, my middle girl crawled into bed next to me, snuggled in and told me about
her day.  It was comforting to hear her excitement and be let into the mysterious world of a teen.

My other two angels popped their heads in the doorway and said hi.  Their bright eyes and beautiful smiles took me away from the discomfort I was having.

I'm grateful for my wonderful husband, Ray, who often reminds me through words and actions that, "we're in this together".  I feel blessed by the compassion of each of my thirteen year old children.  I am incredibly appreciative that they chose me to be part of their family.

Through pain, irritation, impatience, self judgement and exhaustion, there's gratitude, appreciation, blessings, angels, and love.

What it all comes down to is LOVE!

I love my family with every part of my being!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

Healing More Than I Expected

Over the last seven years, my body has deteriorated with pain and fatigue.  Over this time, I did my best to get better by eating better, exercising, resting when I needed to (or when I had no choice).  Still more physical ailments surfaced; thyroid issues, pituitary adenoma, pancreatic cyst, an intolerance to prescription medications and the list goes on.  It felt as though the layers were multiplying and the load was getting heavier and heavier.  All I wanted to do was shout

MAKE IT STOP!

I would have done just about anything to find some relief.  I tried so many alternative options, numerous doctors and specialists.  As is my nature...I fought on, becoming more and more drained to the point of not being able to cook meals for my family. Last Winter was a breaking point.  I had nothing left.  According to my Naturopathic doctor, I had negative left.  I had been borrowing energy from my organs in order to keep pushing along.  I almost gave up.  

Surrender...what a beautifully misunderstood word.  I did not will my surrender.  It was laid upon me by grace.  I let go of the notion that my life should and must be different than it was in that moment.  I said, OKAY to the pain, sadness, fatigue and fight.  I had nothing more to fight with and I just wanted peace.  While making peace with the current state of my health, I met Dr. Bier and a few other medical professionals who were not like the rest.  They gave me permission to listen to my intuition.  They told me that if exercise helped, to keep doing it.  Funny thing is, once I got the support around running, I walked.  I had nothing to prove to anyone...not even myself.  

I've opened to the power of Grace as a means to heal and WOW, I'm seeing much more than I expected.  My thoughts and intentions have been about the fibromyalgia.  I'm seeing my past hurts, disappointments, decisions, and emotional pain show themselves.  They need peace too.  

The more I wake up, the more I realize my eyes are not open yet.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Terri

What to Do With These Emotions

There are so many aspects of life happening at this time.  The mystic and time must learn how to cooperate.  Without cooperation, there is dis-ease.  

My mother-in-law was in CICU for congestive heart failure last week.  We were successful in transitioning her to a Rehabilitation facility to help her get stronger and do some supervised healing.  I am grateful that during my own Extreme Self-Care process, I was in a place where my energy levels were consistent.  It gave me the opportunity to really be available to Ma during her time of need.  We'll take the next steps to meet her needs as they come up.

The triplets started their final year of Middle school, last week.  Every new school year creates a swirl of energy.  There's excitement, anticipation, sadness about Summer ending, school supplies, new shoes, new clothes, new routines, earlier mornings, etc... Four days before school began, my three had an opportunity to experience their last year of Middle School at a very good private school.  As a family, we chose to add school applications, re-evaluating finances and a major decision, about education, to our already full plate.  Each day was another level of excitement about he possibilities ahead.  It's been decided that the best route, for the kids, would be to finish school where they have been for the last seven years.  Consistency and looking at the big picture of finding a High School (or three), for next year, were the deciding factors.

A dear friend passed away yesterday.  The news hit me hard.  I've been allowing my heart to open more and more this year and I've allowed humility and vulnerability into my life.  It seems as though, that may explain why with her passing, I've been more emotional than any other person's passing prior. I remember my wonderful grandmother deteriorating with Lou Gehrig's Disease and eventually dying.  I didn't cry at the wake or the funeral.  I was sad and I missed her, but there were no tears.  I am surprised that there are so many tears this weekend.  This is very new to me and I continue to remind myself to allow the flow of energy and emotion.  Whatever I'm feeling, in the moment, is exactly what I'm meant to feel.  

It feels as though there are these layers of life changing events, piled on top of each other.  It seems as though, at times, it's too much to handle.  As a mystic, I see the flow of events and experiences, in this world, as the natural state.  When significant events and experiences emerge in a short timeframe, the flow becomes more convoluted...to my toddler-stage inner mystic.  I'm being pulled into my Human experience, throwing off the balance of Spirit and Human.  As a growing mystic, I often encourage myself to see a new perspective and rise above the limiting beliefs and emotions of the Human experience.  I'm learning that it's not an either/or situation.  I am unable to live in a purely spirit realm and I'm unable to live in a purely human realm.  It's time for me to find a balance between the Faith based spirit and the Human experience.  Neither is better than the other and there is no competition needed.  The competitive energy of trying to become more spiritual than human is, eventually, futile.  The essence of living fully is finding that 'special sauce'.  The perfect mix of Spirit having a Human experience.  There are gifts on both ends of the spectrum.  

Today, I will be gentle with myself.  I will allow the emotions with no judgement.  I will allow my body to express itself in whatever way it needs to at this time.  What feels like physical pain and weakness are not bad.  They are just the way my body communicates to me.  "Take a break...for as long as you need to. You must rejuvenate." No expectations. No attachment to some end result. No self-judgement. It's time to be.

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Terri

Nothin' Up My Sleeves

Although I was a professional clown for 10 years, there's no magic here.  I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's shoulders and I definitely don't have any secrets when it comes to my healing process.

I'm just like anyone else...you.  I've had great hardships, losses, I've felt unworthy and unlovable.  There were many times I felt as though life just crushed me and I was down for the count.  Ever since I was 3 years old, I've felt different; an outcast and that there was something wrong with me.  Each time the boulder of life rolled over me, I'd fall into a pity pot and soak there for a while, then I'd get angry and blame the world for all the despair it sent my way.  Every one and every situation around me was at fault.  Then I'd fight my way out of the pity pot and begin the journey of life again.  I practiced this pattern until I got really really good at it.  I was even proud that I pulled myself out so many times...and BY MYSELF.  That was a badge of honor, to do it on my own!  I didn't need anyone and I let people know too.  People, back then called me 'Spitfire' and I wore that name tag, front and center of my ego self.  I built up so many walls and escape routes that my mind was exhausted from remembering the maze of protection I used.

There were many baby steps along the way of opening my awareness, but it wasn't until I gave birth to my triplets when it really hit me.  I began to ask the big questions. Do I want to teach my children the same patterns, in life, that haven't worked for me?  Is there a better way?  If there were a way for me to heal in this lifetime, how could I do that?  Is there more to this life thing than just working, paying bills, feeling like $*** all the time and then dying?

I began my intense study of life and the possibilities of joy.  At that time, I didn't even really believe that life could be lived joyously, but I was determined to find out.  What would it hurt?  My first focus was my physical state.  I tapped more into yoga and exercise as more of a mindfulness activity than just the 'I should' attitude I had prior.  As I became more mindful, I began to feel again.  I was never a big cryer, but the awareness thing opened the floodgates.  Everything made me cry; movies, a first step, an observation of a kind gesture on the streets of Boston, you name it.  They were tears of joy.  Although, I didn't know that at first and I thought I was cracking up.

I gradually moved into a period in my life where I studied and took action with forgiveness in my life.  Those whom I blamed, whom I was hurt by and those I felt left me in despair, I forgave.  I took my time to find a small jewel I could take away from each of those relationships and brief interactions. To my great surprise, every single person and situation where I felt hurt and even broken hearted, there was a valuable gift.  As I came upon this gift in some, I'd get angry.  On one level, I didn't want to find a gift. That would allow me to continue to blame and be angry and get validation that it was just a horrible experience, period.  But no such luck.  There were many life lessons and unexpected gifts.

Oh, as much as I protected my heart, it began to open and it was painful and hard.  What if I soften and open my heart?  Of course people will take advantage and I'll be hurt even more, but I moved forward anyway.  I was cautious and intuitive with people and I began to trust again.

I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia during this opening of awareness and from the beginning I knew that it was a symptom.  A symptom of what...well, I'm still working on that one.  My belief is that once I uncover the root of illness in Me (mind, body, spirit), then I love and care for the root cause.  Once the root is healed, the symptoms go away.  It sounds simple, but why would it need to be hard?

I continued my journey and found my spiritual home.  That was 12 years ago and looking back, I was so scared and hidden.  Unity on the River taught me so much about myself, about the world and gave me a place to be different.  I was an in-cast.  I learned and practiced affirmations, vision boards, read spiritual texts, began taking classes to be a Minister and totally embraced the transformation happening within.

Most recently, after years of disheartening doctor's appointments and being shuffled around from one expert to another, I was referred to Human Nature Natural Health where I feel I found my individualized sustainable Health Care home.  It is a place I resonate with and I share similar beliefs and values with.  I feel that I'm on the right track to sustainable good health.  It's a process, like any other, that doesn't happen over night.  I'm fine with that.

This is just a snippet of my journey.  I wanted to share it to let others know that it is possible to find joy and health.  It means taking full responsibility for your life, awareness, health and growth.  I'm going to be direct and let you know that it's not a cake walk and it takes hard work.  My quality of life is worth it and yours is too!  No one can do it for you and it can't be done alone!  There is no cookie cutter, overnight solution.

The key for everyone is balance.  Finding balance in the health of Mind, Body and Spirit.  You are worth it!  I encourage you to take one step at a time and that step might be to realize that you must love you to find whole health.


Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!
Terri

Pain Makes Me Cry

I'm in the midst of a very good journey toward sustainable health!  My energy levels are more consistent, my moods are definitely more consistent (you can even ask my family) and my thought process has been clearer.  I would say that there is more than welcome improvement, after two weeks of the Naturopathic way.  I would also say that there is a ways to go.

I'm feeling as though I'm on a much deserved road trip and there are small sights to visit along the way.  I'm pulling over to a unique tourist attraction with curiosity and wonder.  Think...The Largest Rubber Band Ball in the World.  It's interesting and a good place to stop, but it's only the first stop on this journey.  There is a realization that when I reach a level of sustainable health, it's not the final journey on the road to health, just subsequent and exciting trips.

During the last couple of days, I've noticed a slip in my energy and moods.  I'm aware that my digestion is struggling and that, in the past has been a cause of my energy and mood shifts.  Today, I woke up feeling sluggish and not rested.  After my daily walk/jog (or wog), I felt nauseous with abdominal pain. I went to rest and fell asleep for about an hour.  The pain didn't subside, but was manageable with no movement and no stress.  Of course, at lunch time I got up to make myself lunch, forgetting that I wasn't moving because it caused pain.  The memory returned very quickly when the pain hit, "Oh, I was in bed all morning because walking around hurt."  Sometimes I'm three prongs short of a fork :)

I walked to the kitchen and forgot why I was there.  The tears began to flow and my son asked me if I was okay and looked at the hand that was holding my stomach.  I didn't even realize I was holding my stomach.  Here...I have some work to do.  I need to learn how to reverse the 'shut off pain to the brain' switch.  I designed this switch in order to accomplish the 'suppose to' list.  Now, I know that there is nothing I'm suppose to do or have to do.  I need to turn that switch so I can allow my body to communicate it's needs again.

My son offered to cook my lunch and I went back to bed in a gush of tears.  My husband took care of the time sensitive (today) issues and I've rested enough to have energy to spare for my blog :D.

I'm obviously learning some great lessons around how to turn the phone off, ask for help and forward any children's requests to Ray during times of extreme healing.


Thanks for reading, following and forwarding my posts!!!
Terri

Just Take Smaller Steps

This morning was wobbly for me.  I woke up with anxiety, I felt dizzy, my stomach was in knots and my guess is that I may have had bad dreams.  Some of them I remember and some I don't.  The dreams I don't remember seem to leave me restless like a wound up toy rolling in circles with no destination, just needing to unwind.  So far, my best healing method for this feeling is exercise.  It clears my head, allows me to 'run' in circles and release some of the anxiety and restlessness.

After my morning of centering and affirmations, I set out to take a walk.  I was clear about not wanting any music or book on tape (that totally dated me)...I mean audio book.  It seemed as though the sounds of nature were all my nerves could take while exercising.  About two houses down the street, I began to feel tired and winded and it was downhill.  I didn't want to turn back.  I felt it was important to keep moving forward, so I slowed my pace.  I think a snail may have passed me.  At the slower pace, I was still raising my heart rate (I have an app that checks that) and I was organizing my thoughts.  These were the original intensions of the exercise.  Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it's not about pushing through.  It's about the original intention, no matter how long it takes me or how my body may react.  As I was coming up the hill, returning to my home, I could feel my hips working harder.  My legs felt as though they were just hanging from a pin in my hip.  My feet landed heavy and flat with each step.  I stopped and leaned against my car, for a moment, took a deep breath of fresh air and smiled at the sight of my little garden, next to the door.  The greens, a tomato plant with two little tomatoes finding their way, and one beautiful, yellow flower stowaway from last year's wild flower garden.

The house was cool, with all the windows open and a wonderful breeze coming in.  I sat at the table to write down my thoughts, now organized;  my to-do list for whenever I can complete it.  I usually have a working list that's carefully prioritized in order to ensure that time sensitive tasks are cleared first.  As I sat on the teak bench, left over from my yoga studio, I felt a sensation in my back but didn't put too much attention to it.  I was enjoying conversation with my husband and watching my children emerge from their bedrooms, blurry eyed and hungry.  I got a gentle, what I call, spirit nudge.  So, I took a second to tune into my back and realized that there was numbness at my lower back and my hips were in a great amount of pain.  I moved from the bench to the bedroom, to sit on the tempurpedic mattress.  At first, I thought I would rest for a bit, with my legs up, but I got sidetracked to the laptop while sitting on the edge of the bed.  After about 15 minutes, I was beckoned by a teenager to help in the other room.  Getting up from sitting was slow but once on my feet, I sensed that the numbness had subsided and I consciously took my time moving to the other room.  The intensity of the pain in my hips began to fade.  

One thing on my to-do list was food shopping.  We've been home from vacation for three days and since we emptied the refrigerator before we left and I haven't picked up any food yet, the natives were getting restless.  My growing teens and husband were ready to go out with a cross bow to rustle up their own dinner.  As I was mentally preparing for my trip, to buy food for the troops, I got a wave of exhaustion.  I knew I couldn't put it off another day and I didn't want to.  It feels good to provide nourishment for my family, just like a mamma bird and her young, without the regurgitation.

So, I peeled myself off the couch, headed to the car and realized, later that I had forgotten a couple of things for the trip, including my phone.  It was peaceful to think that no one could reach me and I opted to not return to retrieve it.  I got to the store at the perfect time of day.  There weren't many people there and most of them were slow on their feet, like me.  A couple of 60+ year old's were very patient with my diagonal cart parking confusion and slower than molasses thinking and movements.  Two hours later, I was leaving the food mart.

I was greeted at home with my boy mowing the lawn and my two girls ready to empty the car.  Children really do come in handy sometimes.  I'm grateful for their help and their smiles.

I'm beginning to realize that in order to be productive, I don't have to dart around and try to get as much done before crashing.  I just need to take smaller steps.  It was much more enjoyable and gave me a chance to notice the wonder around me.




Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

Borrowing a Great Description of Fibro

Fibromyalgia is a complicated and often misunderstood syndrome, even for the medical community.  For those who don't have fibro, it can be very difficult to understand and sometimes believe that it's a real and debilitating illness.  I found a great description of fibromyalgia in a letter format, by Claudia Marek.  The introduction to the letter gives permission for anyone to use it.  It's published on the Fibromyalgia Treatment Center site. It's titled, Letter to Normals

Fibromyalgia isn't all in my head, and it isn't contagious. It doesn't turn into anything serious and nobody ever died from fibromyalgia (thought they might have wished they could on really awful days!!)  If you want to read articles or books about fibromyalgia I can show you some that I think are good. If you just want to learn as we go along, that's fine too. This is definitely going to be a process. The first step is for you to believe that there is an illness called fibromyalgia and that I have it. This may sound simple, but when you hear about my symptoms I don't want you to think I'm making this all up as I go along.

Fibromyalgia is a high maintenance condition with lots and lots of different kinds of symptoms. There's no way to just take a pill to make it go away, even for a little while. Sometimes a certain medication can make some of my symptoms more bearable. That's about the best I can hope for. Other times I may take a lot of medication and still won't feel any better. That's just the way it goes. I can't control how often I feel good or when I'm going to feel terrible. Lots of people have been cutting new drugs advertisements out of magazines for me and I appreciate the thought, but I've seen them too.  Look at the list of side effects and the few symptoms they help in return.  Even in the best studies those expensive compounds didn't help over half the people who tried them.  No matter how happy the people in the pictures look, there's still no miracle drug available.

There's no cure for fibromyalgia and it won't go away. If I am functioning normally, I am having a good day. This doesn't mean I'm getting better -- I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue for which there is no cure. I can have good days, several good weeks or even months. But a good morning can suddenly turn into a terrible afternoon. I get a feeling like someone has pulled out a plug and all my energy has just run out of my body. I might get more irritable before these flares, and suddenly get more sensitive to noise or just collapse from deadening fatigue. Weather changes can have a big effect on how I feel.  Other times there may be no warning, I may just suddenly feel awful. I can't warn you when this is likely to happen because there isn't any way for me to know. Sometimes this is a real spoiler and I'm sorry. The sadness I feel for what my illness does to those around me is more than I can easily describe.  You may remember me as a light-hearted fun loving person -- and it hurts me that I am no longer what I was.

Fibromyalgics have a different kind of pain that is hard to treat. It is not caused by inflammation like an injury. It is not a constant ache in one place like a broken bone. It moves around my body daily and hourly and changes in severity and type. Sometimes it is dull and sometimes it is cramping or prickly. Sometimes it's jabbing and excruciating. If Eskimos have a hundred words for snow, fibromyalgics should have a hundred words for pain. Sometimes I just hurt all over like I've been beaten up or run over by a truck.  Sometimes I feel too tired to lift up my arm.

Besides pain, I have muscle stiffness which is worse in the morning and evenings. Sometimes when I get up out of a chair I feel like I am ninety years old. I may have to ask you to help me up. I'm creaky and I'm klutzy. I trip over things no one can see, and I bump into the person I am walking with and I drop things and spill things because my fingers are stiff and my coordination is off. I just don't seem to connect the way I should. Hand-eye, foot-eye coordination, it's all off. I walk slowly up and down stairs because I'm stiff and I'm afraid I might fall. When there's no railing to hold on to, it's terrifying.

Because I feel bad most of the time, I am always pushing myself, and sometimes I just push myself too hard. When I do this, I pay the price. Sometimes I can summon the strength to do something special but I will usually have to rest for a few days afterwards because my body can only make so much energy. I pay a big price for overdoing it, but sometimes I have to. I know it's hard for you to understand why I can do one thing and not another. It's important for you to believe me, and trust me about this. My limitations, like my pain and my other symptoms are invisible, but they are real.

Another symptom I have is problems with memory and concentration which is called fibrofog. Short-term memory is the worst! I am constantly looking for things. I have no idea where I put down my purse, and I walk into rooms and have no idea why. Casualties are my keys which are always lost, my list of errands, which I write up and leave on the counter when I go out. Even if I put notes around to remind myself of important things, I'm still liable to forget them. Don't worry, this is normal for fibromyalgics. Most of us are frightened that we are getting Alzheimer's. New kinds of brain scans have actually documented differences in our brains.

I mentioned my sensitivities earlier and I need to talk about them again. It's more like an intolerance to everything. Noise, especially certain noises like the television or shrill noises can make me jittery and anxious. Smells like fish or some chemicals, or fragrances or perfume can give me headaches and nausea. I also have a problem with heat and cold. It sounds like I'm never happy but that isn't it. These things make me physically ill. They stress me out and make my pain worse and I get exhausted. Sometimes I just need to get away from something, I just don't know how else to say it. I know sometimes this means I will have to go outside, or out to the car, or go home to sit alone and that's really all right. I don't want or need you to give up doing what's important to you. That would only make me feel worse.  Sometimes when I feel lousy I just want to be by myself. When I'm like this there's nothing you can do to make me feel better, so it's just better to let me be.

I have problems sleeping. Sometimes I get really restless and wake up and can't get back to sleep. Other times I fall into bed and sleep for fourteen hours and still be tired. Some nights I'll toss and turn and not be able to sleep at all. Every little thing will keep me awake.  I'm sure that's confusing to be around, and I know there are times when my tossing and turning and getting up and down to go to the bathroom disturbs you. We can talk about solutions to this.

All these symptoms and the chemical changes in my brain from pain and fatigue can make me depressed as you'd imagine. I get angry and frustrated and I have mood swings. Sometimes I know I'm being unreasonable but I can't admit it. Sometimes I just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. These emotions are all very strong and powerful. I know this is a very hard thing about being with me. Every time you put up with me when I'm in one of my moods, secretly I'm grateful. I can't always admit it at the time, but I'm admitting it now. One thing I can tell you is it won't help to tell me I'm irrational.  I know I am, but I can't help it when it's happening.

Each of us with this diagnosis experience most of what was described in the letter, but it's also a very individual illness.  Some find relief of symptoms with prescription drugs and some of us are unable to even take the drugs used for fibro.  I'm unable to take most prescriptions due to a high sensitivity to the side effects.  If the label says that 1% of people experienced such-n-such, I'd be the 1%.  I must use alternative methods to relieve my symptoms and try to maintain a somewhat normal quality of life.  Also, some Fibromyalgics (as the author refers to us) have mild cases where they can maintain their normal life with the aggravation of chronic body aches. Some of us have severe cases that strip us of the lives we use to lead and the dreams we use to have.

As the title of my blog states, I'm constantly seeking the gifts of fibromyalgia.  Living with a severe case, I know that my illness doesn't define me.  I'm determined to create a new life, reach new goals and preserver in my search for a cure.

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Sadness After a Great Day

I had the wonderful opportunity to speak in front of my spiritual congregation today.  In preparing what I would say and how I would say it, I was excited to get back on stage.  I use to dream about telling stories to groups of people, teaching classes on self care and self awareness.  These are things I use to do on occasion and each time I did them, I'd feel so alive.  I felt as though while I was teaching or speaking, things flowed with ease and grace and time disappeared. Today, I had my usual butterflies before I got on stage and while I was on stage, I was a bit jittery.  When I was finished, I could feel some of the bubbling of, "this is what I'm meant to do", coming up.   Then the tightness in my chest and the welling of tears.  I really wanted to enjoy and embrace the opportunity, but I walked away feeling extremely sad.

My husband and kids came to support me.  I got wonderful, caring feedback after the service.  I was even approached and told that I would be speaking again, many times.  When this wonderful woman said that to me, she was so confident it made me wonder if I had agreed to speak another time.  I hadn't, but it made me happy, sad and scared to hear about the possibility.

The very first time I did a public speech was in High School.  I was terrified and had a very difficult time finding a topic to talk about.  I finally decided that I'd talk about something that I didn't have to memorize.  I'd talk about a personal experience.  I took it as an opportunity to compassionately communicate how hurt I was when I was the new kid in school, 5 years prior, and I was treated very poorly.  With tacks on my chair, girls telling me I was ugly, to my face, and kids turning and walking away when I approached. I talked about how mean everyone was toward me and how lonely it felt in a new town with no friends.

The second time, was when I decided that I'd work as a clown at children's birthday parties.  I did so well with this type of speaking/performing, I built a business out of it and became a professional for ten years.

Then I became a fitness instructor teaching spinning classes and yoga classes.  All of this experience made it very clear to me that being a leader and speaker was something I had to do.  It is part of who I am.

Now, with fibromyalgia, I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next.  I know that during the dry, Summer months I feel my best.  I'm capable of doing more and I feel more confident about committing to things in the future.  The last two Summers, I thought I may have overcome the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and made some big plans that carried into the Fall and Winter.  Unfortunately, I had to cancel once the damp, cold weather rolled in.  I let myself down and others who were relying on me.

My heart feels as though it's torn in two.  I'm called to speak!  I'm called to tell my story and inspire others to tell their stories and share the gifts they've gotten from their stories.  I'm called to lead.  There's a fire in my soul to speak the truth and encourage others to do the same.  This illness.  How can I let that fire burn when this pain and fatigue take over my body?  My soul has a strong and passionate mission and my body is experiencing illness that doesn't allow my soul to soar.

I have great Faith that I will find a way to allow my soul to soar.  I'll keep listening to Spirit and following the breadcrumbs.  The answer is within me....somewhere and in time, I'll hear it loud and clear.

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Hey! There's One

I'm glad that I'm watching out for the gifts because...I found one!  Although, I've known for a while I had this ability, my perception of it shifted today.  I've been reading tarot cards and doing intuitive readings for over 20 years.

Each reading is unique and I enjoy helping people find answers and guide them through transitions.  I do readings once or twice a month and sometimes I'm a guest reader at a local monthly psychic fair.  Because of the fibromyalgia, I don't advertise or promote my services.  I just don't know when I'll be well enough to either leave the house or have the focus to do readings on a regular basis.  In the past, I have noticed that I'm energized after readings and my mood is lifted.

Today, I realized that during the reading, I'm not really a part of the process.  Obviously I'm shuffling cards, seeing symbols and using my voice to speak but the rest is flowing through me.  It's not coming from me.  If I begin to think about what information is coming through, I begin to try to analyze or interpret the information and the spirit connection is lost.  I learned a long time ago that I don't need to know the connections my clients are having with the information.  The message is for them, not me.  Many times, I don't even remember what came through after a reading.  I let my regular clients know this, because they ask me to go over what was said in previous readings.  Often during readings, I don't understand much of the message.  I relay what information comes to me through the cards or through spirit and ask if it makes sense to the client.  The majority of the time, the client has a direct connection to the information, which boggles me because I don't get it.  All I know is that as long as I get out of the way, the message the client is meant to receive, is received.

After todays reading, I was aware that during the reading, my body didn't hurt.  I wasn't exhausted and there was no brain fog.  The day, overall, was challenging with mood swings, pain, anger, frustration, boredom, and exhaustion.  I kind of dreaded the phone reading I agreed to do, because I was worried that the discomfort throughout the day would carry over and effect the service I was providing.  I take great pride in offering good customer service.

I went through my usual preparation of shuffling and clearing the cards, saying a prayer of intention and  affirming that I am acting as an open vessel, before the call came in.  The phone rang, I took a deep breath and answered.  The reading was delivered with ease and grace and my client said she was uplifted and motivated and felt much better due to the information I delivered.

The illnesses didn't exist during those 45 minutes.  The woman on the other end of the phone felt much better after the reading and said she very much appreciated everything I did for her.  It would be nice to do readings 24/7, if it were possible, because I naturally got out of the way in order to do what I love doing.

Is it possible that another gift uncovered today is the awareness that I need to get out of my own way?  Hmmm...

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A Day of Rest

Wow!  It's Sunday.  The plan was to go to the annual beach day with the greatest group of people, but I woke up with so much pain, I could hardly move.  In my typical Terri fashion, I went through the motions, slowly, of getting ready to follow through with the family plan.  I knew I needed some assistance, so my husband was close by for my morning routine, helping me along the way.  After my shower, I had to lay down.  I even tried brushing my hair in bed, putting my face cream on while struggling to lift my arms.  I was determined, but it was clear that I wasn't going to get very far today.

I often want to deny or push through the fibromyalgia with the hope that I can overcome it's debilitating effects on my body and mind.  Of course I would have loved to have spent the day on the beach with my great husband, wonderful kids and amazing friends.  Today, I needed a day of rest.  It's hard to not feel as though I missed out on something fun.  I somehow have to believe that there is a bigger reason why today, of all days, my body was experiencing such challenges.  I'm sad that I missed out, but I'm happy that my family didn't.

Before leaving for the beach day, Ray set me up with all that I needed, in the living room.  I slept through three movies, drank my juices, checked in with FB and slept a little more.  Sometimes we just need a day of rest.

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There Must Be Some Storms on the Horizon

I don't need a weather forecast or an app with the next ten days of weather predictions.  My body tells me what's coming.

It was a beautiful, sunny day yesterday and usually those days bring me energy.  On sunny and warm days, I'm more productive.  My brain fog gives me a break and I feel more like myself again.  But yesterday, I struggled with exhaustion.  I was in Boston while the kids were at acting camp and instead of driving back and forth, I decided I'd just stay in Boston for the four hours they have camp.  Although, I found a nice coffee shop with free wi-fi, I struggled to keep my eyes open.  I thought about trying to nap in the car because my body just needed to lay down.  I pushed through, but by the time I got everyone home, I was toast.  My body was screaming and I had no choice but to listen.  It was 5pm and I laid down in bed.  At 10pm the kids came to say 'goodnight', and I slept right through until 6 in the morning.  My husband told me there were storms through the evening, but I have no recollection of them.

Today was a similar day with being in Boston while the kids were at camp.  I thought that if I took a slow walk by the Charles River, it may give me a little energy.  Well, my legs decided to become overcooked pasta.  It was difficult to walk, so I sat on a bench in the shade for just a few minutes until my fibro pain was too much too handle on the hard bench.  Back to the car I went.

All day, I've been rubbing my hands.  My fingers and wrists have been aching.  Picking up a bottle of water sent shooting pains up my arm.  I can feel the pressure in the air change and become heavier.  Thinking becomes slower and my shoulders and head feel as though I'm wearing sand bag earrings.

The thicker and heavier the air gets, the more pressure I feel.  As the pressure rises, so do my emotions. It's a bit like having PMS during every thunderstorm, ice storm or snow storm.  It sounds so simple to just remind myself that the storm will pass, but in the midst of the spinning tornado, it's a challenge to focus on being grounded.

As I sit here and write, I can hear the rain, the sky is lighting up with flashes and loud crashing thunder is rolling through.

My eyes are heavy and just want to close for another 13 hours, but I know that I need a bit a food and rest to take care of myself.  Maybe even a nice candle and pleasant show to watch.  More blessings are on their way and tomorrow is another day.

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I've Decided...I Don't Enjoy the Swings Anymore

Remember as a young child, we couldn't wait to go to the park to swing on the swings.  It took me so long to figure out how to pump my legs, but once I did, I felt so accomplished!  There was so much pride and it was fun.  I would think about trying to pump my feet hard enough to loop myself all the way around.

I bring my children to the park and one of my daughters will stay on the swings the entire time.  The other two enjoy them, still, but like to explore other areas of the park as well.

This is a great metaphor for adult life.  With the waxing and waning of pain and ups and downs of depression, these swings are no fun.  I'm constantly aware of keeping my thoughts and attitude positive even though just under the surface is pain and sadness.  It feels as if there is just this thin membrane keeping the rumblings of pain and tears from breaking through.  It seems as though my body is easily triggered lately.  Much more than before.  It's a feeling of being raw and if someone touches my skin it hurts. The emotions are triggered just as easily.  My body feels as thought there is no skin and my ribcage is broken open, exposing my heart.  There's a feeling of ripping or tearing of my heart.  Since I don't enjoy the swings any longer, I'll be exploring other areas of the park.

This morning I woke up in great spirits, I did my run.  And I was glad that it was less of a joggle and more of an actual run.  I took in the warmth of the sun and envisioned my day in Boston with my family.  As soon as I walked into my home, after the run, I was triggered by a comment.  I shifted my thinking, was aware of the shift in mood and chose to not react negatively.  A few minutes later I was triggered by actions that were the direct opposite of what I requested.  Again, I went through my tools and looked at the other side of things and chose react positively.  The Chronic Fatigue was beginning to show its face and the stressors were draining me.

The family got into the car, to head Boston, and just as we got on the highway, I realized the time.  We were an hour later than we had planned.  We had non-refundable tickets to enjoy the Boston Duck Tour and we were going to miss it.  My defenses were depleted and my swing was out of control.  I lost it.  My anger hit the roof.  I felt as though the planning of the day was all on my shoulders, including keeping time, keeping everyone moving in the right direction and making it to our destination on time.  These are the days when I feel as though my brain is clear and functioning well and I think that's the perception of others also, but today proves that's not the case.  We have a large paper calendar in the kitchen and each of us have linked calendar apps on our phones/ipods.  So my question is, why is it, no one else noticed the time we were suppose to be there and helped correct my obvious fibro brain?

It's a tough dilema when I present physically, emotionally and mentally okay, but we realize after the fact that I wasn't fine.  I was forgetting things, getting lost on my way to the YMCA, which is a straight, 3 mile shot from our house or I was getting into the car an hour late.  Today, I'm sure it had something to do with my brain saying that we had to leave by quarter to 10 and my language said 10:45.  I think I'm saying the correct thing.  Everyone around me thinks I'm saying the correct thing but without someone to double check my communications, we all get stuck on the swing.

Gratefully, as we were on the road and I was pitching a fit, my loving husband called ahead to see if we could take a later tour.  My state of mind had already determined that the day was shot and it was my fault.  There was that tiny sparkle of hope when I asked someone to step in and find out if we had any other options.  For the most part, I was almost to the point of giving up and Ray got confirmation that there was room on another tour.

This fibro fog, depression and pain swings are a challenge and I'm beginning to see signs of teenage metamorphosis.  I'm realizing that it is possible to find balance with family and health, but the transition is going to be interesting.

I am grateful that I just purchased my friend +Jackie Woodside's book, What if it's...Time For A Change.  I'm on the second chapter and it's helping me understand my change temperament.  I know it's different from younger, painless years, so I'll be looking at how I can prepare for change with other, energy draining, challenges in my life.

Here's to no swings tomorrow and less stress.

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Mom Told Me I'd Have Days Like These

How many of us can truly admit that Mom was right?  Well, mine is  pretty on target with things and at 45 years old, I'm grateful for that.  Of course, at 15, she didn't know anything...so she's really learned a lot over the years. :-D

My Mom isn't one to give advice unsolicited.  She has always been one to allow space for growth and self learning and when we were ready for her two cents, we'd ask.  Even then, she didn't lecture.  It's more like answering just the question to not give more than what the inquisitor is ready to hear.

I've observed my mother live with Fibromyalgia since my late teens.  There wasn't much information about what she had, at the time, but we knew she was struggling with some physical ailment.  She had great fatigue, body aches, and she couldn't sleep at night.  And these are just the things I observed years back, so I'm sure there was much more she was trying to manage with her health.

Today, I give my Mom a nod of appreciation.  It just happened to be a more physically challenging day than I've had in a while.  I still woke up, put my feet on the floor and went out the door, for my morning joggle.  It was more of a zig zag joggle than usual.  I'm lucky we live on a fairly quiet street.  My balance was way off.  The energy from the endorphins, that I look forward to after exercise, just was not there.  Throughout the day, I would have half formulated thoughts of things that needed my attention, but I struggled to complete the though.  My balance was off so much that my husband didn't want me to use the outside grill to cook dinner, concerned that I may stumble onto the hot surface.

One of my daughters observed that my physical state was challenged and began to help me out.  I was sitting at the table, getting ready to tackle some of the half-thoughts of tasks when she insisted that I sit on the couch.  Her reasoning was that it was a "softer place to land".  I did a bit of reading and prepared for a meeting I have tomorrow, but mentally got lost in the process.  I think there must be signs I give off when I'm lost or confused because my daughter, then insisted that she help me to bed.

She walked me to the bedroom, brought me my basket of pills, water, phone, laptop and set out my PJ's.  Although, it was her bedtime, she sad with me for a little extra time.  I think she was just making sure that I was settling in okay.  On her way to bed, she told me to give a holler if I needed anything.  Warms my heart.

Although, my Mom didn't tell me that I'd have 3 amazing and compassionate children to assist me when I needed help, she did tell me that I'd have days that were more painful than others.  Mom reminds me that I don't have the flu, I have fibromyalgia.  She also reminds me that what is more important than the physical and emotional struggles is family and we move through the struggles to experience the quality time with family.


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