Although I was a professional clown for 10 years, there's no magic here. I'm not pulling the wool over anyone's shoulders and I definitely don't have any secrets when it comes to my healing process.
I'm just like anyone else...you. I've had great hardships, losses, I've felt unworthy and unlovable. There were many times I felt as though life just crushed me and I was down for the count. Ever since I was 3 years old, I've felt different; an outcast and that there was something wrong with me. Each time the boulder of life rolled over me, I'd fall into a pity pot and soak there for a while, then I'd get angry and blame the world for all the despair it sent my way. Every one and every situation around me was at fault. Then I'd fight my way out of the pity pot and begin the journey of life again. I practiced this pattern until I got really really good at it. I was even proud that I pulled myself out so many times...and BY MYSELF. That was a badge of honor, to do it on my own! I didn't need anyone and I let people know too. People, back then called me 'Spitfire' and I wore that name tag, front and center of my ego self. I built up so many walls and escape routes that my mind was exhausted from remembering the maze of protection I used.
There were many baby steps along the way of opening my awareness, but it wasn't until I gave birth to my triplets when it really hit me. I began to ask the big questions. Do I want to teach my children the same patterns, in life, that haven't worked for me? Is there a better way? If there were a way for me to heal in this lifetime, how could I do that? Is there more to this life thing than just working, paying bills, feeling like $*** all the time and then dying?
I began my intense study of life and the possibilities of joy. At that time, I didn't even really believe that life could be lived joyously, but I was determined to find out. What would it hurt? My first focus was my physical state. I tapped more into yoga and exercise as more of a mindfulness activity than just the 'I should' attitude I had prior. As I became more mindful, I began to feel again. I was never a big cryer, but the awareness thing opened the floodgates. Everything made me cry; movies, a first step, an observation of a kind gesture on the streets of Boston, you name it. They were tears of joy. Although, I didn't know that at first and I thought I was cracking up.
I gradually moved into a period in my life where I studied and took action with forgiveness in my life. Those whom I blamed, whom I was hurt by and those I felt left me in despair, I forgave. I took my time to find a small jewel I could take away from each of those relationships and brief interactions. To my great surprise, every single person and situation where I felt hurt and even broken hearted, there was a valuable gift. As I came upon this gift in some, I'd get angry. On one level, I didn't want to find a gift. That would allow me to continue to blame and be angry and get validation that it was just a horrible experience, period. But no such luck. There were many life lessons and unexpected gifts.
Oh, as much as I protected my heart, it began to open and it was painful and hard. What if I soften and open my heart? Of course people will take advantage and I'll be hurt even more, but I moved forward anyway. I was cautious and intuitive with people and I began to trust again.
I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia during this opening of awareness and from the beginning I knew that it was a symptom. A symptom of what...well, I'm still working on that one. My belief is that once I uncover the root of illness in Me (mind, body, spirit), then I love and care for the root cause. Once the root is healed, the symptoms go away. It sounds simple, but why would it need to be hard?
I continued my journey and found my spiritual home. That was 12 years ago and looking back, I was so scared and hidden.
Unity on the River taught me so much about myself, about the world and gave me a place to be different. I was an in-cast. I learned and practiced affirmations, vision boards, read spiritual texts, began taking classes to be a Minister and totally embraced the transformation happening within.
Most recently, after years of disheartening doctor's appointments and being shuffled around from one expert to another, I was referred to
Human Nature Natural Health where I feel I found my individualized sustainable Health Care home. It is a place I resonate with and I share similar beliefs and values with. I feel that I'm on the right track to sustainable good health. It's a process, like any other, that doesn't happen over night. I'm fine with that.
This is just a snippet of my journey. I wanted to share it to let others know that it is possible to find joy and health. It means taking full responsibility for your life, awareness, health and growth. I'm going to be direct and let you know that it's not a cake walk and it takes hard work. My quality of life is worth it and yours is too! No one can do it for you
and it can't be done alone! There is no cookie cutter, overnight solution.
The key for everyone is balance. Finding balance in the health of Mind, Body and Spirit. You are worth it! I encourage you to take one step at a time and that step might be to realize that you must love you to find whole health.
Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!
Terri
When the kids got home, my middle girl crawled into bed next to me, snuggled in and told me about 
