Laughing at Myself

It's helpful to have a sense of humor when it comes to chronic illness.  I think I'd go nuts if I took these fibro fog antics too seriously.

Last week I was feeling terrible with an upper respiratory bug.  These illnesses are a challenge to recognize in the sea of fibromyalgia symptoms.  It wasn't until my breathing became labored and a cough appeared that I realized the additional fatigue, digestion issues and foggy focus were exasperated by the virus.

During this time, I continued to drive my children to school and on this one day, I (or we) had a great laugh.  At their school there is a car line at the back of the building.  I was sitting in the stopped traffic listening to the joyful noise of happy kids in the morning (well, two out of three isn't bad).  I remember my mind beginning to wander to what the day would bring me and carefully calculating how much energy I was beginning that particular day with.  Protocol for the car line is that the three front cars let children out and drive off then then next three drive up, drop off and so on.  As we sat, the three cars in front of me stopped and students hopped out and entered the school.  The cars in front of me drove off in single file and staying in pattern, I began to move the car ahead and continue to drive.  As I rounded the corner of the building, passing the drop off points, I heard my son gently say, "Mom?"  I politely said, "Yes?" and he replied, "You…we need to get out of the car."

As soon as they saw me smile, the laughter erupted from all four of us.

I ended up dropping them off at the side of the building and they walked around elbowing each other and laughing together.  If I were lacking a funny bone at that time, I would have missed the gratitude I felt about starting the day on a high note with my three teenagers.

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

A Look Back on 2013

I came across a cool feature on my phone.  It is a video creator that lets you choose photos or videos taken on your phone and creates a slideshow or video of memories.  I just completed a review of 2013 using just the photos on my phone.

This process got me to thinking about the year that is coming to an end and what I've experienced, how I've grown and the pleasures I enjoyed.  I tend to have a full life and this year was no different.  Here are some of the memories that were stirred while making my year end video.

* A two year process with my disability claim ended.  I received approval and an immense weight was lifted from my shoulders.  With the absence of this stress, I was able to move forward with my healing process in my own way.

* I found an amazing doctor and am experiencing amazing healing through mind, body and spirit.

* I started this blog with the intent of recording my emotions, experiences and life challenge with fibromyalgia and to remind myself to keep an eye out for the gifts.  I also shared it publicly on the off chance that others out there may be able to relate, be encouraged, inspired and motivated to take action in their own healing process.  I've had surprising results, amazing feedback and followers from 39 countries.

* My family said 'goodbye' to a wonderful person who meant a great deal to us.  Nancy, we love you and will always hold memories, of times together, close to our hearts.

* I'm taking a course through The Venus Project and loving it.

* I've opened to getting to know and spending time with like-minded peeps.  I've made a couple of neat new friends.

* My children have impressed me, again.  Their determination, dedication and focus to take a leap of faith and apply for private high schools shows me that they are willing to walk their own path in life.  Many of their friends are not taking the same steps, some are discouraged by their parents and some don't feel they would get in.  My three have shown that they are not afraid to try.

* My husband shows me how strong he is every day.  He takes care of two senior parents.  His father is  87, lives on his own and is a proud man.  His mother has medical challenges and we moved her from her home of 20+ years to a nursing home.  I know these changes and stresses of caring for parents has been hard on him and he has been a rock through it all.

I think I could go on and on although, I've probably posted most of it in my blog through the year.  Strangely, I have to go back periodically and read my own posts because I don't remember them.  Fibro brain, ya know.

I'm grateful for every moment of 2013!  Stay tuned for a post on looking at what I'd like to do in 2014.

Thank you for reading, forwarding, and following!!!
Terri

Cherish the Good Days, Bless the Challenging Days

Whether the days are labeled good or bad, they are all for our greater good

Challenges motivate us to grow

Allow the first signs of challenge to communicate that a shift will happen.  

Resist, evoking pain and suffering or allow, evoking grace.

Work on wiping away the perception of competition and war, open up to healing and inspiration

Once we are grateful for the bad days, their power evaporates and transforms to good

There has been an air of laughter, friendship and fun in our house.  I find myself listening with a smile and a warm heart.  The triplets have schoolmates over.  What was once an overwhelming and anxiety provoking situation, is now a cherished time.  Five years ago, the thought of having birthday parties or friends at our house was more than I could handle.  The noise and constant flow of energized kids was too much for my fibro-ridden body to process.  Today, my senses are calmed by the joy and playfulness flowing through our home.  Although, not all is peaceful, with life's daily challenges trying to consume us like a cancer, there is a sense of peace.  

Everything's Gonna Be Alright-Bob Marley

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!

Terri

It's Not All About the Fibro

Although it may seem as though my life revolves around my diagnosis of fibromyalgia, there is so much more to my wonderful life than that.

There's…

*taking my kids to tour high schools for next year
*talking to the greatest sister on earth
*reaching out to my parents and siblings to help move my Mother-in-law
*taking an entire day, to pack my Mother-in-law's apartment, with the kids
*watching my daughters laugh and play together
*seeing my son laugh so hard he loses his breath
*listening to my husband tell me about the toys and various things being thrown back and forth between him and my son
*interacting with my brother on FB
*enjoying wonderful memories of past friendships

There's so much more going on…and I love it!!!


Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

Growing Every Day

I've discovered another gift of fibromyalgia.  It seems as though I have more empathy and compassion for others.  Not just those who are diagnosed with fibro or a chronic illness, but everyone.  The more I am loving and compassionate to myself regarding my experiences in life, the more I am called to be there for others.

My wonderful Mom and amazing sister, both, have worked with Seniors throughout their careers.  When I was younger, as a shy and scared kid, I was afraid of older people.  I'm not sure why, but I connected with young children much easier.  My education, experience and career was mostly with infants through third grade.  Toddlers were my favorite.

During the last month, my Mother-in-law, who is a beautiful 71 year old woman, became very ill.  Her body was failing her and she went from the hospital to a rehabilitation facility.  My husband is an only child and he spends about 20 hours a week caring for his 87 year old father, who lives by himself two towns over.  My Mother-in-law, I call her Ma, has lived on her own for 30 years and prides herself on her high level of independence.  When it became clear that, between the diabetes and COPD, she may never be able to live independently again, she needed some support.  I was called to step up and get over my weird fear and see what I could do to help.

Have you ever gently and cautiously leaned in a new direction in life and realized that you really
enjoyed the new direction?  I've impressed myself.  I had no idea that I'd be good at juggling...I mean managing all the doctors, nurses, social workers, medications, overseeing care, searching for long term care and being a consistent and nurturing support for Ma.  She and I joke and laugh.  We've cried over some of the changes and look forward to the new coming our way.  Ma and I also have a pretty good agreement.  When I need to care and nurture myself, I do just that.  Sometimes it's a day of rest and sometimes it's many days in a row.

Now, don't get me wrong...It's not all rainbows and unicorns.  I just choose to focus on the rainbows and unicorns because they bring me joy.  The other stuff is a contrast that reminds me to move through with gratitude and to focus on the blessings.

Who knew I'd marry an amazing man in 2012 and have a great opportunity to get to know my Mother-in-law, so well, in 2013.

I'm growing every day and it feels wonderful to welcome this new growth and a new family member with open arms and an open heart!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

What It All Comes Down To

The last four days have been physically challenging and when my body is challenged, it effects my moods, energy and thoughts.  With a keen awareness of the subtle shifts in those three areas, I do my best to gently self correct.  Today was especially difficult.  My sense of inner direction was obviously low on batteries because exercise, changing my thoughts and extra rest were not soothing the irritability.  The last resort was to make a call to my doctor and go in for some treatment.

Through the tornado of the morning, my husband held tight.  Once I made my appointment to get some help, I could see the relief in his windblown look.  This wonderful man jumped into action taking on my 'must-do' list and making sure there was healthy food waiting for me when I got back.  He also did the triplet shuffle (car pooling the kids here, there and everywhere) at the end of the day.

When the kids got home, my middle girl crawled into bed next to me, snuggled in and told me about
her day.  It was comforting to hear her excitement and be let into the mysterious world of a teen.

My other two angels popped their heads in the doorway and said hi.  Their bright eyes and beautiful smiles took me away from the discomfort I was having.

I'm grateful for my wonderful husband, Ray, who often reminds me through words and actions that, "we're in this together".  I feel blessed by the compassion of each of my thirteen year old children.  I am incredibly appreciative that they chose me to be part of their family.

Through pain, irritation, impatience, self judgement and exhaustion, there's gratitude, appreciation, blessings, angels, and love.

What it all comes down to is LOVE!

I love my family with every part of my being!

Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

Is Family Part of Your Wellness Plan?

There are many types of family.  There's the most obvious, the biological family.  Then the self-chosen family or the family who chose you to be family.  You may have a family of co-workers, a family of neighbors, a family of health professionals.  Or they could be considered part of your team.

Whoever you consider your family to be, are they part of your healing plan or your illness plan?  If there is a group of individuals who support you, cheer you on and see who you are beyond your illness(es), they would be considered your wellness team.  If you are surrounded by people who say they care and want the best for you, but they tell you how to feel, when to get better, that you're too sensitive or dramatic and maybe even treat you with pity, as if you are unable to do anything for yourself, they are on your illness team.

Look around.  Pay attention.  You deserve respect, love, comfort and caring.  You and only you truly know what helps you feel better and who you trust to be on your wellness team.  Not even medical professionals can tell you what will make you feel better.  They can tell you what research has shown helps the majority of those who were part of the research study, but those treatments or medications that work for some, don't work for others.  It's very important, through the healing process, to surround yourself with supporters and cheerleaders.  Put your valuable energy into people who remind you of your strengths and of who you truly are.  Chronic illness, over time, can make us feel as though we are defined by our illness.  The loving and compassionate people around you can tell you that you may be experiencing chronic illness, but you are not illness.  These are the people who will not hold you back and who want to see you healthy.

My advice...if you choose to take it...

Slowly back away from the people who are on your illness team!  They are not helping you heal.



Here's the small print.  Although, it's not any smaller print than what I typed above because I wouldn't be able to read it :)
     I'm not a medical professional and I'm not intending to tell anyone how to treat their illness.  Please consider your own personal circumstances to assess whether or not this advice resonates with you.  It may not be your best option.  For some it'll be an option to take action on.


Thank you for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!
Terri

Pain Makes Me Cry

I'm in the midst of a very good journey toward sustainable health!  My energy levels are more consistent, my moods are definitely more consistent (you can even ask my family) and my thought process has been clearer.  I would say that there is more than welcome improvement, after two weeks of the Naturopathic way.  I would also say that there is a ways to go.

I'm feeling as though I'm on a much deserved road trip and there are small sights to visit along the way.  I'm pulling over to a unique tourist attraction with curiosity and wonder.  Think...The Largest Rubber Band Ball in the World.  It's interesting and a good place to stop, but it's only the first stop on this journey.  There is a realization that when I reach a level of sustainable health, it's not the final journey on the road to health, just subsequent and exciting trips.

During the last couple of days, I've noticed a slip in my energy and moods.  I'm aware that my digestion is struggling and that, in the past has been a cause of my energy and mood shifts.  Today, I woke up feeling sluggish and not rested.  After my daily walk/jog (or wog), I felt nauseous with abdominal pain. I went to rest and fell asleep for about an hour.  The pain didn't subside, but was manageable with no movement and no stress.  Of course, at lunch time I got up to make myself lunch, forgetting that I wasn't moving because it caused pain.  The memory returned very quickly when the pain hit, "Oh, I was in bed all morning because walking around hurt."  Sometimes I'm three prongs short of a fork :)

I walked to the kitchen and forgot why I was there.  The tears began to flow and my son asked me if I was okay and looked at the hand that was holding my stomach.  I didn't even realize I was holding my stomach.  Here...I have some work to do.  I need to learn how to reverse the 'shut off pain to the brain' switch.  I designed this switch in order to accomplish the 'suppose to' list.  Now, I know that there is nothing I'm suppose to do or have to do.  I need to turn that switch so I can allow my body to communicate it's needs again.

My son offered to cook my lunch and I went back to bed in a gush of tears.  My husband took care of the time sensitive (today) issues and I've rested enough to have energy to spare for my blog :D.

I'm obviously learning some great lessons around how to turn the phone off, ask for help and forward any children's requests to Ray during times of extreme healing.


Thanks for reading, following and forwarding my posts!!!
Terri

The Crow's Nest

Summer time is always a time of transition for my family.  With three children, the daily schedule is laid back and flexible.  The structure of each week is different and the kids seem to be stretching themselves, literally and figuratively.  They grow so much in the three months of sun, water and fun.  One of my children has grown almost 4 inches since being out of school.  Also, they are at the age where independence is becoming more important as well as keeping their own personal sense of structure.  They've asked to plan their own time when it comes to getting things accomplished, including what's expected of them at home and time with their friends, iPods, video games, TV and listening to music.  Having three the same age, it was easiest for me to keep them on the same schedule but also keep in mind that they are individuals.  The last couple of Summers, they were able to choose a camp that they were most interested in.  One went to New York, the other to the Cape area in Massachusetts and the third was 20 minutes away from home.  This year, they didn't go in different directions for camp, but within the family and our household, they have gone in many different directions.  They are now taking on personal responsibility to ensure that they contribute to upkeep of the yard and house, their vacation school assignments, High School applications and social lives.

I'm now in a position to observe and guide from a distance instead of having two hands on the wheel of the ship.  I think they would be happy if I were in the crow's nest, looking ahead, across the seas to warn them, gently, of oncoming storms or obstacles.  My time for leading them is fading into gently guiding and supporting them as leaders.

I'm proud of them for asking for what they needed this Summer.  It's been a transition for me to take on a new role and not have the feelings of them not needing me anymore.  I see the maturity and the lessons being learned and remind them that I'm here if they need me.  I still poke my nose in at times when I don't realize they have it handled.  Then I get tossed that 'look' and I slowly back away with a smirk of "oh, did I say that out loud?  My bad."

As individuals, we have the opportunity to grow and learn constantly and as a family, the same applies. If we are aware and in tune with each other, we can go through transitions together, supporting and loving each other ever step of the way.

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The Big Garage Clean Out

I'm a total organization freak!  I have a very difficult time living in chaos and clutter.  Now, I'm not saying I'm a compete clean nut, because I really don't like to clean.  As long as everything is neat and organized, I'm happy.

I filled in the little calendar square with 'Garage Clean Up Day'.  The other four people, whom I live with, are completely comfortable with a bit of disarray in their home, so this beautiful, perfect Summer beach day, may not have been the best day to plan a major clean up.  I heard some grumbles and observed some slumped shoulders and a slower walking paces.  I even had one participant who kept disappearing.  The good thing, is that my family knows me well enough to know that once it's on the calendar, the only thing that may get in the way is fibromyalgia.

We started early to try to beat the Summer heat and of course I had the Big Clean Out all planned.  There were four sections created with sheets on the ground.  The keep, sell, donate, and to the dump areas.  The five of us started at the front of the garage and pulled everything out, placing it in it's appropriate area.  One part I enjoyed was hearing the kids say, "Oh, my pogo stick! I forgot I had that!".  This is another great reason to do whole family clean-ups.

Once everything, and I mean everything (including nails on the walls), was removed from the garage, my real fun started.  I got my pad of paper and mapped out how we could organize the things we decided to keep.  It always makes sense to me to have things that go together live together.  The gardening stuff, for example, should all live together and the automotive things should have a space of their own.

On a side note, when my children were old enough to walk, I taught them to clean up their toys by telling them that friends and family stay together.  The blocks all lived in the same box and legos lived in another box.  Barbie, of course lived in her house, usually in bed when they were done playing with her.  Even today, the common phrase that comes out of my mouth is, "I don't think that's where that lives. Please put it in it's home."

About three hours into this process, my legs began to feel like they were filled with lead and my sneakers felt as if they were about three sizes too small.  I kept moving.  There was still about an hour or so of things to do to finish the project.  Eventually, I took my sneakers off and dragged my wooden legs around, wearing my socks.

Toward the end of The Big Garage Clean Out, Ray and I took a quick ride to Home Depot and got some storage bins, bike hooks to hang them and a new garbage bin.  Everything we decided to keep went back, in a logical place.  All the bikes get to hang out, the car wash items have a shiny nice new Rubbermaid home and all the 'sell' stuff is ready for the yard sale next weekend.

I stood back to take in the results of our hard work and it looked like heaven...in a garage.  I could feel the energy flowing much easier.  No more stress trying to climb over a snow blower to get to the cooler for the beach.  No more searching for my gardening sheers to find them under the gasoline covered cloth.

Clutter and disorganization can really weigh you down.  Items that are not used, forgotten about or not appreciated anymore need to be released to allow energy to flow.  Try it.  Create some time, pick a closet and get to it!

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Just Keep Moving...

My bed just wouldn't release me this morning.  I was so incredibly tired.  I felt stuck.  I'd wake up, groggy and close my eyes to get some more rest.  My body was heavy and weak.  I'd open my eyes and see 7:45, fall back to sleep, wake up and see 8:03, fall back to sleep, etc.

In my half wake, half sleep, I began to have these horrific dreams or thoughts.  I tried to shift my thoughts and think about what I'm grateful for, but the dream had a strong hold.  It was terrifying.  I was able to interrupt the streaming story line of horror to be conscious enough to know that I had to move.  I had to ground myself in the here and now.  I immediately sat up, firmly placed my feet on the floor and opened my eyes wide.  I could see that I was in my safe home and I could hear the sounds of all three of my children, confirming that they were all safe too.

I never know when the post traumatic stress disorder is going to rear it's ugly head.  I often feel I have things under control.  I avoid the news. I purposefully seek out movie reviews from friends to make sure it's something that won't trigger me. I know how to ground myself and be present.  It just doesn't seem like enough because I'm still haunted by memories of my childhood or fears about my children's safety.

Once I knew where I was and what was going on, I sipped some water and wept.  I didn't want to let the terror take over so I distracted myself by checking emails and FB, just trying to connect with the world I've created; a group of people and circumstances that are positive and forward moving.  I was having difficulty figuring out what to do next.  I was still stuck.  I literally felt as though I was unable to move from sitting on the edge of the bed to anyplace.  Then my husband came in and sat next to me.  He must have had some sort of sixth sense because he showed up at the perfect time.  I told him that I wasn't even out of bed yet, but I was already overwhelmed with the day ahead.  I'm not sure why I didn't tell him about the dream.  Maybe it was still too fresh.  Ray sat with me for a while, kissed me on the forehead and headed back to work.

His presence gave me the strength to just get up and move.  I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was doing, I just knew that sitting there, any longer, wasn't going to make things better.  I wondered if I should eat then shower, then get dressed, then go food shopping then make our juices.  Or should I go make breakfast for the kids, drink a juice, take a shower, get dressed, go shopping. I thought, maybe I should go out to exercise (in the rain), shower, drink my juice, make the phone calls that need to be made, go shopping.....AAAARRRRGG!! It was just too much! I chose to stand up and put my robe on.  I made one decision at a time.  I just kept moving.

My day progressed and I finally felt comfortable telling Ray why I was so out of sorts.  He is so compassionate and loving.  He kissed me and said he loves me and that everyone is safe and fine.  Ray drove me to go shopping and we spent the afternoon making the juices together.

I'm grateful for my loving husband.  I'm grateful that I have such wonderful triplets.  I'm grateful to have such supportive friends and family surrounding me.  I'm faithful that the PTSD and depression will subside and I'll experience life with ease and grace.

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My Grateful 4

Long ago I started being mindful of what I was grateful for.  It was a very nice shift from the obsessions over world crisis, tomorrow's unknowns and stresses of the day.  My children began their own Grateful 4 journals at age 6, and we would sit together, on the floor, sharing the four things we were each grateful for.  Here are a some of their entries;

         I thakfl fo my brothr am sisr (I'm thankful for my brother and sister)
         Im thakfl fo my scl (I'm thankful for my school)
         Im thakfl fo my famole (I'm thankful for my family)
         my mom hgs me then i hg hr bak (my mom hugs me then I hug her back)
         pece (peace)
         Love
         Stors (stars)

Today, here are mine;
1.  Family!  Starting with my husband and three wonderful children.  As I sit here and write, I can hear the heart-swelling sounds of teenage laughter.  I sit here knowing that my husband was able to take a rare, but supremely deserved day of rest.  He literally watched movies all day.  Which is one of his favorite things to do, being a film and tv person.  I've written a whole post on my amazing husband, so I'll use this time to praise my offspring.  I feel they are my angels.  Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew that they chose me.  I'm grateful that they chose me and I strive to be the best guide to them in this world, that I can be.  Although they are triplets, they are very different people, with very different interests.  Every day, I'm thankful for their light, gifts and personalities.  As a single mom, for 12 years, to these miracle three, I am blessed that I was able to bond with them so closely.

2.  Health!  It may seem strange for a fibro chick to be grateful for health, but it's true.  Health and wellness have always been a top core value in my life.  I look at each day, good and challenging, as opportunities to learn more about bettering my health and taking stock in the health I have.  I can eat healthy foods, exercise every day, walk, communicate, create, and explore.  These are all wonderful aspects of health.  My physical and mental selves don't always function the way I'd like them to, but then I see it as a good lesson in non-attachment to the expectations of my experiences.  And where would the wonder and curiosity be if what I expected came my way all the time?

3.  Being alive during this World changing shift in consciousness!  This is one of the most important times in our world.  We are at a tipping point.  The dichotomy that surrounds us is creating war and peace.  We are learning about the true government and the cover-ups as well as the monopolies that parent numerous small companies, giving them great power.  On the other side, there are peace groups forming, social networks coming together to envision a better way to live in this world.  There are numerous individuals who are teaching us how to create a better world and it begins with taking responsibility of our own choices and our own lives.  There is an uprising of the people and I find it fascinating! Don't get me wrong, I've never been interested in politics, but observing, reading and learning about what is happening around the globe make me want to get involved.

4.   My process in blogging!  Writing about my inner experiences and being transparent about my world has given me great freedom.  For some, freedom comes from journaling and keeping it in a nice, sometimes hidden or locked, notebook.  Some find relief in venting to a friend.  I've tried many avenues to try to find what works best for me.  So far, writing down what is flowing through me in the moment creates a sense of relief.  After each post, I notice a lift in my energy.  I am doing something that I can truly enjoy and it flows with ease and grace.  I'm also receiving feedback from others who relate, or laugh or cry while reading my posts.  Bonus!  There is nothing better than doing something that comes form the heart and brings great joy that also benefits others!

What are your Grateful 4?

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Doing What I Know Helps Even When it's Hard

I want so badly to be able to focus on my family; triplets and husband.  My kids recently got involved with the film industry and modeling.  I am passionate about supporting their dreams and exploration in the world.  After a month of waiting to hear about some work, the kids have been very patient and today, they got booked for a movie.  They'll be extras, which is a great place to begin.  I'm so happy for them and can't wait to let them know that they will be on set on Monday.

The overwhelm I feel is around my illnesses, my multiple doctor's appointments and the daily in-the-moment status.  Today, I've been out of the house and a bit more active than I've been all week.

 It feels as though the movement is causing some physical and emotional discomfort.  Experiencing Fibromyalgia for 10 years and I still have days when I feel like this is just weird!  Why is my movement causing discomfort.  I just want to be in bed, and that may be the depression talking.  Sadness is always tugging from within and I keep it at bay most of the time.  Today, the sadness is seeping out my pours.  I feel emotional bubbling just under my skin and my eyes are leaky.

I planned to go swimming after my doctor's appointment this morning, but forgot my swim bag and missed my window of pool time.  It may seem counter-intuitive with the discomfort in my body, but I'm going to go for a joggle.  Just maybe the energy in my body is stuck and needs some shaking up.  A wobbly jog or slow walk can only do my mind and body good, as long as I keep it moderate.  I tend to overdue it once I get outdoors.

I'll be back in a bit to finish this blog and let you know how it goes... Feel free to read and comment on some of my other posts until I get back (elevator music playing).

Oh, you're still here.  Excellent!  It was a success.  Getting out into the fresh air and some exercise was helpful.  I feel, well, cleansed.  I do think it was an energy build up, as well as toxins that needed to be released.  I'm not so overwhelmed, I'm much more in the moment and the sadness has subsided (not gone, but better).  It can be so hard to follow through with what I know helps when all I want to do is crawl into bed.

One more thing before I go to get ready to tell the kids the good news about being in a movie.  While on my runish/walkish exercise, I was again presented with some 'breadcrumbs'.  At first I didn't realize they were signs, but Universe really knows what I need, in the moment.  Heading down the street, a shiny object caught my eye (ok, those of you who know me...sparkly things do distract me), and when I looked at it I realized it was a nut.  Not the type you eat, but he kind that a bolt goes through.  No big deal, there are a lot of junk things on the side of the road.  On my way back home, something caught my eye and it was another nut.  Two...and I know there are no coincidences, so I had to giggle.  That

was my turning point, the giggle.  So, I guess I'm either nuts or I have a screw loose :)  Either way, I'm feeling better and I'm proud of myself for pushing through to do what I know helps me heal.






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Let the Joy Flow Through

A wonderful day, I must say!  Yesterday was rainy and dark, which is usually a trigger for some good size aches and pains.  I made it through with low scale discomfort and a good attitude.  One of the things that really helped my attitude was knowing that I had something to look forward to.  Today, there was a birthday party for my cousin, whom I haven't seen in almost a year.  I was excited to travel to see family...lots of family, but also concerned with the weather.  Knowing that rain and cold often trigger a flare, I didn't want to over commit.  I was concerned that the 2.5 hours to drive there would do me in.  I was also thinking about my Mom.  She was planning to go, but I also know that, like me, she needs to cancel last minute due to flares.  She called me yesterday, just to check in and talk about the traveling.  She told me that she heard the weather was going to clear and she was going to the party.  Not that she was probably going, that she was going.  She said that she was really looking forward to seeing family who we don't see as often as we'd like.  My mom, she's a great woman!  She said exactly what I needed to hear and I decided that I was going too, no wavering.

So, today, I gathered my daughters (Zyon and Ray had plans) and we set out on our road trip.  The party theme was luau and we were asked to dress for the theme.  Continuing with my positive attitude, we stopped, on the way, to pick up our grass skirts and lei's.  The drive was fun with music, girl talk, travel games and attempts to get other travelers to join in on our dance party.

When we got there, I adorned my grass skirt and lei, Jordan passed on the dress-up part and Hannah carried her lei in and eventually put it down on a table.  There were others at the party with some luau themed wear, but the best was my cousin, Guy.  He and I were the only party goers in grass skirts.  He and I were also best buds when we were kids.  My mom tells stories of the two of us always "being up to something".  The cousins, their wives and kids and grandkids, my aunt her guest and her son, my nephew and more were there.  Today, I felt connected.  My heart was open and reaching out to give hugs was easy and natural.  This isn't usually the case for me and I'm grateful that today I felt like me.

I truly enjoyed watching the kids playing together, talking, catching up and laughing.  I felt present to the people around and aware of taking it all in.  There was no overwhelm or shyness or self-consciousness at all.  Just my essence connecting with my family.  Pure joy.

The joy continued for the travels home with my girls stating that they love road trips.  We ate too much junk food, played the music loudly and they waved at cars for the first hour of the ride.  They enjoyed getting waves in return and most of the time people didn't wave and that was okay.  Then the game changed to dancing and trying to get others to dance along.  One car had all it's passengers bobbing their heads along with the beat of our music.  This got everyone laughing.  Connecting with strangers in a positive way really creates a wonderful energy.  I'm pretty sure that even those who didn't join in, but saw the crazy dancing going on in our car, may have gotten a chuckle out of it or a smile.

We stopped at the grocery store to get some healthy food to eat for dinner and we were all going to pick out what we wanted.  I got out of the car and walked around to meet Hannah (Jordan was getting tired and stayed in they car) and when Hannah saw me come around the car, still wearing my grass skirt and lei's, she crawled back into the car.  She was so embarrassed she wouldn't go into the store with me.  I told her I wasn't ready to end the party, but she wasn't going for it.  I did consider what it may be like for a 13 year old to go into the local grocery store with her mom in complete luau attire.  I took off my costume, and she came into the store with me.  As we were going through the entry, one of her classmates came out with his mother.  Hannah and I said 'hi', waited for the doors to close behind us and started to crack up laughing.  I thought, she must be really happy that I decided to take the grass skirt and lei off.  I could have caused a major event for the topic of discussion at school on Monday.

Today, I allowed the joy to flow through...and it felt so good, I didn't want to it to end.  So, tomorrow, I'm going to continue with expressing and experiencing joy and maybe I'll even go jogging in my grass skirt.

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Thanks to Those Who are There When I'm not All There

Fibro fog is a funny fact of fibromyalgia.  It can feel anywhere between a light haze and heavy smog.  Sometimes I don't even realize that I'm experiencing brain fog during the light haze days.  Things are a little fuzzy, words don't come to mind very quickly and sometimes I find myself wandering about with no real destination (in the house, of course).  The heavy smog phase feels light a weight on my head and shoulders, my eyesight weakens, my hearing becomes very sensitive and communication is challenged.

Get togethers with my family can be interesting.  My Mom, my sister and I all experience brain fog.  If someone actually recorded holidays, it could be a sitcom.  We could all be in different stages of fog, but we are so happy to be together that we chat up a storm (as women do), and often don't make any sense to an onlooker.  I'm not even sure if we understand each other because comprehension is hindered too.  Since complete thoughts are a challenge, words are hard to come by so we tend to make up our own words.  My Mom is notorious for speaking backwards, switching either the order of words in a sentence or switching the first letters of consecutive words.  At this point, we don't even stop to point out the mix up, we just keep on gabbing.  It is nice to have close family who understand each other, or don't :)

The fibro fog causes me some confusion which makes me self conscious.  This is one of the reasons why social situations are a challenge when my brain is experiencing a fog.  I realize that there are many times when I am around people and they can't tell if a fog has rolled into my brain.  I present very well, when I need to, but it takes a great deal of effort.  I have one friend whom I contacted via email to let him know about a get-together we were having.  When he showed up, I said that I was really glad to see him and that I kept meaning to email him to let him know about the event.  He replied by telling me that he did get an email, with all the details of the event and I actually sent two, on two consecutive days.  He may have been able to tell I was having a week-long brain fog after that conversation.

I go through stages of being around friends, my spiritual community and calling those who are important to me and times when I hunker down, waiting for the fog to pass.  This past Winter was a tough one.  I spent a lot of time hibernating.  There were a few Sundays that I pushed myself to go to Unity on the River, but I didn't talk to many people.  Then there are times when my brain is clear, with thoughts and ideas flowing.  These are my most social and talkative times.  They're also my most productive times, because I can formulate plans and full thoughts and communicate my thoughts effectively.

I'm grateful for those people in my life who are always there for me.  During some of the more blinding fogs, I question if my friends or family are there for me.  I know this is just part of the illness and that if I could stretch my faith, and reach out to my friends during foggy times, they would remind me that they'll always be available when I need them.  I have to admit, FB has been a place where I can feel connected when my brain doesn't.  I can be as active or inactive on the social network as I need to be and find that everyone is still there when I return from fog island.

So to my family, my former work associates, my blog followers, my HS classmates, my spiritual community at Unity on the River and my FB friends, thank you for being there for me even when I'm not all there!

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