Shifting from Reacting to Responding

Of course life comes with stress.  Some of it we can watch float by because, with some discernment, we realize it's not ours to do.  Some stress comes as unanticipated events and some can be prevented.  I'm a huge advocate of combating stress by being pro-active.  For example, the holiday season is commonly a stressful time of year.  The stress can begin as early as October or November with all the marketing beginning earlier and earlier.  Each of us has a choice, we can recognize that the holiday season is always stressful and shrug our shoulders with a "that's just the way it is".  Then when January comes, we've gained weight, feel crummy, maybe even have the flu, the bills begin to roll in giving us a feeling of multiple aftershocks from a 7.5 earthquake.  So much for Seasons Greetings, Peace, Joy, Love and family.  The other choice we have is to take positive action as soon as we recognize the annoying...I mean, beautiful holiday music.  Some pro-active tips would be; create a spending budget and stick to it (remember, it's really not about the 'stuff'), create a time budget (yes, prioritize where your time is best spent), self-care is still at the top of the list and should never drop below 3rd.

When it comes to the unanticipated events, it's important to be aware of the emotions the event stirred up.  The unexpected event throws most people off kilter but at some point, the aftermath must be faced.  This is where we can decide to react or respond.  Reacting to a situation is a knee jerk, self-preservation, out dated instinct.  It usually includes some defensiveness and fear.  This is what creates the stress.  Responding to an unexpected event includes assessing the situation and deciding what the best response would be.  We should be looking for a response that is peaceful, mindful and good for the whole.  Lashing out is a step in the wrong directions.  It may feel good in the moment, but later, feelings are hurt, relationships are damaged and there was no focus on a solution.

Be honest...Are you problem focused or solution focused?  Do you react or respond to stressful situations?  Do you take action to alleviate the stress or do you avoid the reality?

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Terri

The Stress Monster Bit Me

I use to get so angry when my doctors would tell me that my symptoms were due to stress.  They'd say that it's normal to be a stressed out Mom, being single with triplets.  Back then, I actually felt as though my triplets were my saving grace.  There were times they would stress me out, but they weren't the cause of the enormous pressure I was under.  It was the internal pressure I'd put on myself for what, I thought, needed to get done.

Maybe with maturity and years of illness, doctors and experience, I've started to realize how much I take on without truly knowing that it's too much.  Maybe, when my kids were little, there was no choice but to do everything no matter how tired I was.  There were diapers, feedings, laundry, baths, carrying, nurturing, playing, nap time, crying (and I'd join in at times), cleaning, tuning into individual personalities, staying two steps ahead, potty training, work, bills, car maintenance, building a business that would support me and my three, bedtime and probably more.  I was happy to do it for the precious children who chose me to be their Mom. Although, doing it all, could have started an ingrained pattern of behavior for me.

Hearing the feedback from my new doctor, makes me think about those days.  My doctor told me that my adrenal gland is exhausted and my energy levels are at zero.  He also said, which rang very true for me, that with my fiery personality, I would always find a way to push through.  The way I did it was to run on adrenalin until my body just couldn't run anymore.  I would usually hit a wall.  I'd call it crashing, burnt or really really done.  It usually showed up with tears flowing from the disappointment of getting to that point.  I wondered why I couldn't do more.  It made me feel lazy when I'd have to lay in bed or sit more often then the people around me.  I had no way of rejuvenating my energy stores.  The little sleep I got, and the exercise I pushed myself to do would create some momentum to carry me for a short time.  This way of living was and is not sustainable.

I'm beginning to understand that stress is not an excuse or a cop-out.  It's a real and dangerous thing that needs to be managed.  Although I have many good tools to manage my stress; meditation, exercise, therapy, sleep aids, a great sister and mom...I have let one key piece slip between my fingers.  When I was in college, I began to take trips by myself.  This gave me time to myself to decompress and shake off the junk of the world.  I found that being with me and traveling to an unfamiliar place would open me up and recharge my batteries.  As I got older, the trips to Florida decreased and once I had children, the trips out of state dwindled to almost zilch.  The kids were about 2 or 3 years old when I began to create a get-away that was feasible.  I would go away from Friday to Sunday to a hotel in the next town over from where we lived.  It took me the full Saturday to decompress then Sunday I could breath and enjoy the weightlessness.  It seems as though time to myself is what recharges me and I can return with energy to spare.

This terrible bite really throws a monkey wrench into the expectations I have for myself, my road to health and the energy I need to heal and care for my family.  I'm working on domesticating this stress monster, but she's a feisty one.  It feels a bit like breaking a wild horse.  There's kicking and thrashing and I've been thrown a couple of time, not to mention, now I have a nasty set of teeth prints in my skin.

It's time!  Time to find a way to take a trip...out of state...by myself.  These batteries need recharging and this stress monster needs some love and compassion... and maybe a nice bed to sleep on.



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Triplets, High School, Applications, OH MY!

It's hard to believe, but they're going into 8th grade in September.  On one hand, I can state the old adage, 'time flew by', but on the other hand, it feels as though time has passed at just the rate it was meant to.  Raising them, as a single parent, from infancy until they were 12 was quite a journey and one I wouldn't change for anything!  The four of us have a bond that's indescribable.  I encouraged independence and individuality while weaving in our family motto, "treat others with Loving Kindness" (especially the sibling who may have just run away with your favorite toy).  I allowed them to have opinions and taught each of them to use their strong, inner voice.  These days, I remind them that their negotiation skills are top notch, so they don't need to practice on me any longer.  They are each incredibly different even though they were born only minutes apart.  Then again, they are all courageous leaders, in their individual ways.  One is a quiet, behind the scenes leader who lets others feel as though they are leading.  The second has a strong presence that makes others feel comfortable yet curious, and they follow.  The third is much more obvious with her leadership qualities and aspirations.  We have four mighty personalities.

The year they were 12, I got married to a gentle, strong, easygoing, unconditionally loving man, Ray.  We, the original four, were not looking to add another to our family, but best friends fell in love.  What's a person to do?  I knew the kids liked him when after dating for a month, we were driving in my small Prius, and from the back seat Ray and I heard, "When are you gonna be our Dad?".  He had many opportunities to gently slip away...or maybe turn and bolt, but he didn't.  Ray hung around and is, today, the key to balance in our family.  His personality, lovingly guides the leaders in the house who want to take on the world, yesterday.

Of course, with such large ambition and independent personalities, all three are looking into numerous different High Schools.  I had to put a limit on how many they would apply to and the max per child was three.  That would be nine campus tours, nine interviews, nine sets of applications, nine sets of financial aid forms, many hours of research and, I'm guessing, tons of phone calls.

In the past, when it came to summer camp or other interests, I did all the research and communicated with who ever needed communications, then I'd let them know when I'd drive them there.  The triplets could sit back and I would present the final plan for what they were interested in exploring.

With the awareness that I'm putting more energy into healing and making sure I don't over do it, I told the triplets that, at 13, they can bring me the final plan.  I let them know how I went about the research, and communicated with the appropriate people to get information about what was needed and they've seen me do this for years.  Now, it's their turn.  I handed over the baton(s).  I'm available for them to ask me questions to help guide them on their quest, but I'm stepping down from being their Sherpa.  It's time for them to learn how to lead themselves and explore the routes that work and don't work for them.  And it helps me stick to my commitment to extreme self care, to heal and be available to support them as they prepare for their rites of passage.

They may trip, stumble and there may even be some tears.  I'm fully confident that this venture will teach them how to fly. Mom and Dad will always be available for advice, a hug, a smile of encouragement or some great high fives!




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Enjoying a Blessed Stressed Blessed Sandwich

I did it!  I carefully, rolled out of bed early and took some quiet time for myself before waking the triplets to begin their day.  It was the beginning of the last day of school and they promised to be at school early to cook a breakfast for the graduating 8th graders.  The energy and excitement was in the air and I was handling it well, after my jog/walk/jog.  I felt ready to be open to what the day was going to bring me.  I told the kids that I'd pick them up at the end of the day, so they didn't have to carry all our borrowed kitchen ware on the bus.  This brought some scowls, so I told them that I'd pick up the items before school ended and they could enjoy their last bus ride home, this year.  I knew I needed to get my name changed on my license, so since I was driving the kids to school early anyway, it made sense for me to just show up early to the Department of Motor Vehicles to be one of the first in line when they open.  Good plan!  I was third and helped within ten minutes.  It was like the twilight zone.  I'm use to reading the Harry Potter series while waiting for my turn to be called at the DMV.  I realized that I was just down the street from the library and I knew that they were holding a book for me, so I went to pick up my book.  After the library, I received an email from my bank stating that there was a deposit made in my account.  Bonus!  Unexpected income.  Gotta love it!

One of my daughters asked me if I could straighten her hair before the school dance tonight, so that was the plan.  I took it easy most of the day to try to conserve energy for the two hour process ahead of me. She has very long, very thick and very curly hair.  I often tell her that many people pay good money to get their hair to look like hers.  At least I did, back in the 80's.

After school the excitement shifted from the last day to the big dance.  I even equipped myself with earplugs to block out the television noise while blowdrying and straightening hair.  You see, when the blowdryer goes on, the TV volume goes up, my nerves go berserk and my ears begin to ache.  I was good.  I thought ahead.  I didn't really anticipate that half way through, by body would quietly say, "sit down" then a little louder, "SIT DOWN" and when I didn't sit, my back began to spasm.  I took a short break from the flat iron fun and sat on the couch.  With some deep breaths, I then got up to finish. Her hair came out amazing, I must say so myself.

Meanwhile my son was standing at the mirror trying to remember what the youtube video taught him about tying a tie.  My other daughter decided that her bangs needed to be straightened and asked me to do it for her.  I had to say no and go rest in bed.  Next I saw her at my bedroom door in tears telling me that she messed up cutting her bangs and she needed my help.  I took some pain reliever and got her bangs back in order.

I promptly returned to my bed.  Then there was that call that makes all moms want to change their name.  "MOM! We need you", coming from the girls' bedroom.  It turns out, my youngest made big plans to get her hair straightened and neglected to try on the dress she planned to wear.  She's grown at least 4" and two sizes since she wore the dress her sister was trying to squeeze her into.  They wanted me to work some magic with getting the zipper closed.  As I hobbled in, in slow motion, I could tell right away, there was no amount of magic I could perform, in less than a half hour, before it was time to leave.  She had no dress to wear to the dance and when the reality hit, so did the tears.

What's a mom to do? Well, of course, I recruited my husband to drive two to the dance and I took the third to the store.  The first store, second dress she tried on and we resolved the crisis.  While paying for the dress, we got permission for her to re-enter the dressing room to get dressed for the dance.  She put shoes on while I put lotion on her knees.  She put earrings on while I applied her make-up.  As we were leaving the store, she said, "Mom. Thank you." with tears in her eyes.  She looked beautiful and showing up fashionably late, created a frenzy of, "yay, she's here!" with hugs all around.

I finally had a chance to rest my body before picking the three up at the dance.  10pm came very quickly and my over-cooked, wet noodle of a body didn't want to move.  I drove to pick them up and when they got in the car, all of them were eerily quiet.  I saw my middle child looking down and wiping her eyes, I could hear sniffles from the back seat and my son seemed sullen.  My super hero power of enhanced neurological sensitivity picked up on the deep sadness they were all feeling.  They were saying goodbye to the 8th graders who they spent a whole year getting to know.  Many had become good friends.  As much as I was aware that the emotions were not mine, I couldn't help but feel my heart being squeezed.  This may have been the first time I've seen them all grieve together.  I know they'll be okay and the memories will be what shines through when the sadness fades.

I am so blessed, often stressed, and so incredibly blessed!

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