A Blogger's Debut (repost)

I've gone back and forth many times about starting a blog.  My biggest hiccup is around the lack of consistency fibromyalgia brings to my life.  You see, I'm a recovering Type A personality and struggle with not being as reliable as I use to be.  Once upon a time, I had a great deal of respect for people who were reliable, consistent and great at follow-through.  So, there's my dilemma; as a strong woman living with fibromyalgia, I live day-to-day.  I'm unable to commit to anything because I never know when the Brain Fog will roll in, the aching pain will strike, or the limbs will take an unplanned hiatus.  According to my beliefs around who deserves respect, I no longer fit into my own set of 'rules to live by'.  This creates a bit of an internal conflict!

Here I am, ready to take on creating a new belief that fits much better into my life and doesn't exclude me from the level of respect I deserve.  I'm moving forward to bring peace to the inner conflict.  I'm moving forward to find the Silver Linings of Fibromyalgia!

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2002.  It took many doctors, my persistence and the wonderful support of my Mom and sister to finally get someone to believe me.  My Mom was diagnosed many years ago and my sister has struggled with Autoimmune Disease for quite some time.  I'm very fortunate to have family members who can relate to this strange and unpredictable chronic illness.

At first it was difficult for me to determine whether or not my fatigue and soreness were just a side effect of being a single Mom of two year old triplets.  Of course that's what all the doctors said, too.  I heard that I was under too much stress, I wasn't getting enough sleep and that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself.  Well, that pretty much describes every mother of toddlers.  Then my left arm went numb at work.  My brain would tell it to move and it wouldn't.  My arm was very cold and tingly and it scared the hell out of me.  That's when I called in all the troops (supports) and found a doctor who half-believed I had fibromyalgia.  At the time, that was good enough for me.  At least I had a name to the random pain that would switch from a leg one day to my neck another.  Since then, I've been diagnosed with IBS, Arthritis, Raynaud's Disease, Hip Bursitis, Pituitary Adenoma, Pancreatic Cyst, Goiter, Hypotension, Major Depression, PTSD and Anxiety.  Phew.  I'm thinking, "Of course I have anxiety.  Who wouldn't with that medical journal of a file."

These last 11 years have had some tsunami's and some beautiful white sand with calm beaches at sunset.  I've learned a great deal about how to manage my fibro and after each Flare or Fog, I relearn it all over again.  I'm grateful that I bounce!

I plan to be here, sharing my stories and experiences, when I can.  You'll get a glimpse of who I am, how I live, my strengths and my vulnerabilities.  Above all, I hope I inspire, encourage and activate some of you to keep seeking the Silver Linings!

An Exceptional Husband (repost)

I have to say that Fibromyalgia is much easier to manage with a supportive husband.  My silver lining is that I not only have a supportive husband, I have an exceptional husband.  Ray is easy going, laid back and hard working as well as a rock solid support for his entire family.

Just today he's exemplified the type of person each of us, with fibro, depression, chronic fatigue (did I forget to mention chronic fatigue in my last post?), etc. have to manage on a daily basis.  The type of support I get from Ray reminds me of the pet companions veterans are utilizing.  Not that he's like a pet...oh, my...this is not the direction I meant to go in.  Let me just tell you about my day.

I woke from a terrible nightmare at about 6am this morning and I remember opening my eyes but not being able to get my bearings.  It felt as though I was back in the waking world but brought the frightening storyline with me.  Just when I thought I had a handle on where I was and the awareness that it was just a dream, I was overwhelmed with sorrow and fear.  Long dream short, I lost my son in a strange town and no one would help me find him.  I burst into tears and got sucked back into questioning whether or not it was a dream.  Ray usually takes some time to wake up in the morning, but not today.  He was awake and present very quickly then wrapped his arms around me telling me over and over again, in the most compassionate voice, that it was just a dream.  I heard him tell me that my son was home safe, everyone was home and safe, including me.  I slowly felt calmed and grounded enough to open my eyes and see for myself that we were all OK.  Ray had gently guided me to become grounded again and it gave me strength to begin my day on a positive note.  I felt strong enough and safe enough to go for a nice walk to start this beautiful, sunny day.

I feel it's so important for a support person to know when to guide a loved one to feel strong enough and confident enough to move forward on their own.  It would be very different if he assumed that my nightmare was going to render me incapable for the rest of the day.  I need to feel as though he believes that I can pick up where he left off and be the strong woman who continues forward.  He sees me.  The true me.  The me that is sometimes shrouded by the greys of illness, pain and despair.  And he expects that the true me will emerge each and every time the illnesses try to push me down.  Yet, there is no expectation of a timeline.  Ray allows space and time to take its course and never forgets that the real me is underneath, somewhere, ready to bounce back.

Also today, my wonderful husband has been talking about cooking some soup and quinoa salad.  He showed me the recipes that he found online and asked some questions about the ingredients, but didn't say much more.  He enjoys cooking, but doesn't have much experience in the kitchen.  I just assumed that he was looking to gain more experience with some recipes that he liked.  I offered to go to the grocery store with him to help him find the ingredients needed and on our way to the store, Ray tells me that the meal he's making is for me.  Just because.  What!?  On his day off.  His day of rest!  He is making me dinner.  Try to understand, this is no easy task.  My diet has changed quite a bit over the last couple of years.  I eat a clean diet.  That pretty much means, vegetables, some beans, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no meat, no processed foods (definitely no Monsanto products if I can help it) and low carbs.  Granted, I'm not perfect and the occasional chocolate finds it's way into my day sometimes :) He took on this task with a smile and pride!  What a treat!  Both dishes were very delicious and I'm happy to say there are leftovers, so I don't have to use much energy trying to find meals for the next couple of days.

There are many stories I can tell about how my husband is an exceptional life partner but I'll share just one more from today.  As I mentioned earlier, I accompanied Ray to the store to pick up groceries.  While in the car, I asked one of my usual questions and that is how I slept last night.  This is a typical question because with pain, restless leg syndrome and some intense twitching, I don't always know these things are effecting me through the night.  Although, Ray knows and last night was no different.  He has told me, in the past, that I 'run' in my sleep sometimes.  I grind my teeth and recently my arms have been swinging, as if I'm swimming (which is the most recent exercise I've taken up to try to manage pain).  Now that I've written all of that, I'm surprised he hasn't moved out of our bedroom.  Anyway, I found out that last night I was kicking him and it must have been pretty intense because he mentioned possibly wearing one of those sumo wrestler suits to bed so he'd be protected.  I'm sure the kicking was just a long stride run, but he never wakes me.  He tells me that at times he just needs to gently, put his hand on my shoulder and I stop.  I'm glad to hear, that's all it takes for me to settle down. I must know, even while I'm sleeping, that Ray has always been and will always be there for me to comfort me after a bad dream, to cook me a healing meal and to gently touch my shoulder when I'm kicking the crap out of him in my sleep.  I'm grateful to have found a good and loving person, who I love with all my heart and soul.