Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Life Can Be Enraging

I'm pretty sure everyone has had the experience of life being enraging.  Through change, grief, things not going as planned or any of the other 50 million, and a half, reasons we can become enraged.  I've had some instances, myself, that I'm not proud of... Especially when things didn't go the way I expected or wanted them to.  For example, I've enjoyed running for as long as I can remember.  In college, I decided that I'd run at least one marathon in my lifetime.  Let's call it an item in my bucket list.  I began to have pain that interrupted my running when I was about 33 years old.  In my mind, I still had this incredible goal and I even pushed myself, increasing my level of pain, to try to fulfill the bucket list expectation.  I got rip-roaring-mad!  I created a scenario where everyone and everything was against me. The doctor's were against me, the trauma in my past (which I blamed for my pain) was a strike against me, the people around me weren't doing anything to help me regain my health, so they must have been against me too.  I felt I had no control, which must have meant that someone had control.  I obviously wasn't being rational because the anger was steaming up my glasses.  I couldn't see clearly.

Fibromyalgia can be an experience that brings times of frustration and times of hope.  Going into flare with the extreme pain, all over the body and impaired brain function is incredibly angering.  I would think, just yesterday, my mind was crisp with words and sentences coming easily; no effort at all.  Today I can't get a full sentence out without losing a word or my train of thought, mid sentence.  During long flares, I eventually let go of the anger and began to accept that my life will be different and I'd adjust.  At times there'd be no flare, maybe some pain, but my mind would be clear.  I'd be sleeping better, laughing and enjoying life and inspiration would come to me.  It was like a sigh of relief.  Extended periods of this relief would make me feel as though, maybe I've learned how to overcome and heal from Fibro.  And a new flare would hit.  This cycle was horribly challenging.  I got very good at grieving the loss of my clear mind and mobility and accepting what is.  My anger came about the third day of a flare, when I realized that maybe it's not going away any time soon.  Everything in my life went on hold.  Why again, is the question I'd ask.  There was a stage of wanting to just stay in flare because it was consistent and I didn't feel the tease of wellness and have it slip through my fingers
again...for the 50 millionth, and a quarter times.

About 8 months ago, I realized that my friend, Lee's advice may help.  I often heard her say, "You have an opportunity to learn how to live in the moment."  The depths of that advice sunk in, finally.  Living for today and doing only what I can do, today, makes for a smoother ride.  If I'm in flare today, I rest.  If my fibro fog is thick, I don't write out the bills.  If pain is low and brain is clear, I pick up a self-paced project and continue with it.

I can't say that I've overcome the occasional feelings of being enraged, but I'm feeling like I'm on the right track.  I have new perspective, that I'm trying on for size.  So far it fits and maybe next week it won't.  No need to think about next week.  Today is here and deserves my full attention.

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