Sadness After a Great Day

I had the wonderful opportunity to speak in front of my spiritual congregation today.  In preparing what I would say and how I would say it, I was excited to get back on stage.  I use to dream about telling stories to groups of people, teaching classes on self care and self awareness.  These are things I use to do on occasion and each time I did them, I'd feel so alive.  I felt as though while I was teaching or speaking, things flowed with ease and grace and time disappeared. Today, I had my usual butterflies before I got on stage and while I was on stage, I was a bit jittery.  When I was finished, I could feel some of the bubbling of, "this is what I'm meant to do", coming up.   Then the tightness in my chest and the welling of tears.  I really wanted to enjoy and embrace the opportunity, but I walked away feeling extremely sad.

My husband and kids came to support me.  I got wonderful, caring feedback after the service.  I was even approached and told that I would be speaking again, many times.  When this wonderful woman said that to me, she was so confident it made me wonder if I had agreed to speak another time.  I hadn't, but it made me happy, sad and scared to hear about the possibility.

The very first time I did a public speech was in High School.  I was terrified and had a very difficult time finding a topic to talk about.  I finally decided that I'd talk about something that I didn't have to memorize.  I'd talk about a personal experience.  I took it as an opportunity to compassionately communicate how hurt I was when I was the new kid in school, 5 years prior, and I was treated very poorly.  With tacks on my chair, girls telling me I was ugly, to my face, and kids turning and walking away when I approached. I talked about how mean everyone was toward me and how lonely it felt in a new town with no friends.

The second time, was when I decided that I'd work as a clown at children's birthday parties.  I did so well with this type of speaking/performing, I built a business out of it and became a professional for ten years.

Then I became a fitness instructor teaching spinning classes and yoga classes.  All of this experience made it very clear to me that being a leader and speaker was something I had to do.  It is part of who I am.

Now, with fibromyalgia, I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next.  I know that during the dry, Summer months I feel my best.  I'm capable of doing more and I feel more confident about committing to things in the future.  The last two Summers, I thought I may have overcome the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and made some big plans that carried into the Fall and Winter.  Unfortunately, I had to cancel once the damp, cold weather rolled in.  I let myself down and others who were relying on me.

My heart feels as though it's torn in two.  I'm called to speak!  I'm called to tell my story and inspire others to tell their stories and share the gifts they've gotten from their stories.  I'm called to lead.  There's a fire in my soul to speak the truth and encourage others to do the same.  This illness.  How can I let that fire burn when this pain and fatigue take over my body?  My soul has a strong and passionate mission and my body is experiencing illness that doesn't allow my soul to soar.

I have great Faith that I will find a way to allow my soul to soar.  I'll keep listening to Spirit and following the breadcrumbs.  The answer is within me....somewhere and in time, I'll hear it loud and clear.

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Not So Gentle Reminders

Wow!  What a whirl-wind, this morning.  It really started last night, but I think I was in such a fibro fog, it didn't phase me much.  At 9pm last night, I was asked if I could drive everyone to school, in the morning.  When I inquired as to why the bus wouldn't do, I was told that they all signed up to bring something in for a brunch they'd be making on their last day of school.  Well, that didn't exactly answer the bus question, but as I persisted in my questioning, I found out that one teen was borrowing our waffle maker, the other, a dozen eggs (good thing I had extra) and my third child agreed to bring in our extra large pancake skittle.  "Ok", I said about the ride to school, and I went off to bed.

This morning, I slept in an hour extra, forgoing my morning quiet time because of extreme fatigue.  Big mistake!  As soon as I was up, the excitement of three teenagers looking forward to going to a graduation, doing a flash mob dance for their classmates, working out what to wear, "Do these shoes match my dress?  Mom, can I go in your closet to see if you have shoes I can wear?"and the anticipation of tomorrow being the last day of school, began.  The emotions and energy were much too high for my neurologically sensitive, fibromyalgia, anxiety, sleep deprived body.  I was bumping into walls, I forgot they needed lunches and couldn't figure out the can opener while fighting with 'chicken of the sea'.  During the time all of this is going on, my calm, collected and half-awake husband wanders through to give me a kiss good morning then disappears back into the bedroom.

I usually wake up an hour before everyone else to exercise for a half hour, getting the blood flowing to the limbs and brain.  Then I sit with my cup of tea, pills and spiritual reading.  This helps me center, so I can start my day with a clear head (as much as fibro brain will allow on any given day) and an intention to carry me through the day.  Then I begin to wake the kids, so the morning hustle and bustle can begin.

Sometimes we just need a cosmic two-by-four up side the head to remind us to do the right thing.  Whether it's getting up a little earlier even though the fatigue is heavy or it's exercising even when the muscles ache, routine is important and shows the body consistency and respect.

Well, tomorrow is the last day of school and I was asked to drive them to school extra early, so they can begin cooking with all our borrowed kitchen ware.  So, I'm heading to bed, AND, I'm getting up at 5:30 to have my 'me time'.

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