Sadness in Her Eyes

It looks like hurt
We know it's not

These emotions 
she has fought

It's sadness
She tries to hide

She doesn't know
We're on her side

Tell her we love her
Remind her we're here

Spreading her wings
But there's so much fear

Pull us close
Push us away

Practicing independence
Avoiding the fray 

In all good time
You can fly, my Dear

You have all the tools
That's clear

Take your time
There's plenty to spare

Please don't forget
We love you, we care!

 Thank you for reading, forwarding and following!!!
Terri

Sadness After a Great Day

I had the wonderful opportunity to speak in front of my spiritual congregation today.  In preparing what I would say and how I would say it, I was excited to get back on stage.  I use to dream about telling stories to groups of people, teaching classes on self care and self awareness.  These are things I use to do on occasion and each time I did them, I'd feel so alive.  I felt as though while I was teaching or speaking, things flowed with ease and grace and time disappeared. Today, I had my usual butterflies before I got on stage and while I was on stage, I was a bit jittery.  When I was finished, I could feel some of the bubbling of, "this is what I'm meant to do", coming up.   Then the tightness in my chest and the welling of tears.  I really wanted to enjoy and embrace the opportunity, but I walked away feeling extremely sad.

My husband and kids came to support me.  I got wonderful, caring feedback after the service.  I was even approached and told that I would be speaking again, many times.  When this wonderful woman said that to me, she was so confident it made me wonder if I had agreed to speak another time.  I hadn't, but it made me happy, sad and scared to hear about the possibility.

The very first time I did a public speech was in High School.  I was terrified and had a very difficult time finding a topic to talk about.  I finally decided that I'd talk about something that I didn't have to memorize.  I'd talk about a personal experience.  I took it as an opportunity to compassionately communicate how hurt I was when I was the new kid in school, 5 years prior, and I was treated very poorly.  With tacks on my chair, girls telling me I was ugly, to my face, and kids turning and walking away when I approached. I talked about how mean everyone was toward me and how lonely it felt in a new town with no friends.

The second time, was when I decided that I'd work as a clown at children's birthday parties.  I did so well with this type of speaking/performing, I built a business out of it and became a professional for ten years.

Then I became a fitness instructor teaching spinning classes and yoga classes.  All of this experience made it very clear to me that being a leader and speaker was something I had to do.  It is part of who I am.

Now, with fibromyalgia, I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next.  I know that during the dry, Summer months I feel my best.  I'm capable of doing more and I feel more confident about committing to things in the future.  The last two Summers, I thought I may have overcome the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and made some big plans that carried into the Fall and Winter.  Unfortunately, I had to cancel once the damp, cold weather rolled in.  I let myself down and others who were relying on me.

My heart feels as though it's torn in two.  I'm called to speak!  I'm called to tell my story and inspire others to tell their stories and share the gifts they've gotten from their stories.  I'm called to lead.  There's a fire in my soul to speak the truth and encourage others to do the same.  This illness.  How can I let that fire burn when this pain and fatigue take over my body?  My soul has a strong and passionate mission and my body is experiencing illness that doesn't allow my soul to soar.

I have great Faith that I will find a way to allow my soul to soar.  I'll keep listening to Spirit and following the breadcrumbs.  The answer is within me....somewhere and in time, I'll hear it loud and clear.

Thanks for reading, forwarding and following my posts!!!

All I Need to do is Look Up

During one of the most physically and emotionally painful times this past Winter, I had an ongoing dream at night and vision that would come during the day.  During the waking hours, I would use my training with awareness, acknowledgement and choosing to change my thoughts.  These tools weren't working and I didn't know why.  It was frustrating because I've used these tools before and I was able to refocus my attention on something uplifting or joyful or plain old distracting.  I eventually realized that there must be something more I needed to learn from this dream.  I needed to explore it further.  This is a scary proposal because I was worried that I would spiral down to a place where I couldn't return.  Thoughts of, maybe I'm meant to be a crabby, crippled old lady at age 45.  Regardless of the fears, I chose to explore my dream further.

I saw myself sitting on a cold, stone, dirty, slab floor.  My knees were bent and tucked under my chin with my arms wrapped tightly around my knees. I felt cold and every part of my body hurt including my heart.  The walls, all around were only about two feet from where I sat.  This small space had walls made of large, round rocks.  Although they were round, they fit together perfectly, not letting any light through.  It was very dark, quiet, scary and lonely.  I couldn't hear anyone or anything from where I was.  It felt as though moving was just a waste of energy, so I saw myself sitting, motionless in the dark for what felt like months or even years.

As I opened myself up to what I was seeing in the dream, I acknowledged the pain and the cold and the loneliness.  I was able to embrace the experience even though it was sad and desperate.  I then saw myself, in this dank dungeon, lift my head.  My eyes scanned the dark stone walls from the floor to the ceiling.  What I saw was amazing.  A small window with light shining through.  I had not known it was even there.  It must have always been there, but I never looked up.  I had been consumed by what I was seeing and feeling from my limited perspective, on the floor.

This was a great revelation!  I'd like to say that the walls disappeared the light became brighter and surrounded me fully in that moment, but it didn't.  I knew the light was there and life was just waiting for me, but I also needed to learn how to stand again.  I needed to take deep breaths again.  My body needed to warm with the sunshine.  There was still a process I had to go through to make my way out of the dungeon and into life again.

As I move through my process of exploring and seeking the gifts that are hidden in the dungeon, I'm realizing my purpose and my place in life.  My friend, @Jackie Woodside touched on this today, when she spoke at @Unity on the River.  She said that no matter what our outer circumstances are, we all have treasures and talents to share with the world.  It's a matter of trusting and having faith in this and uncovering our gifts.

I have had many days like yesterday.  Days where the joy flows with ease and grace.  This is what I seek and know that as my joy flows, my gifts become more clear to me.  So on that rare occasion, when

I feel as though I'm standing on the dark side of the moon, all I need to do is look up!




Thanks for reading, forwarding and following!