Monday, July 8, 2013

Sadness After a Great Day

I had the wonderful opportunity to speak in front of my spiritual congregation today.  In preparing what I would say and how I would say it, I was excited to get back on stage.  I use to dream about telling stories to groups of people, teaching classes on self care and self awareness.  These are things I use to do on occasion and each time I did them, I'd feel so alive.  I felt as though while I was teaching or speaking, things flowed with ease and grace and time disappeared. Today, I had my usual butterflies before I got on stage and while I was on stage, I was a bit jittery.  When I was finished, I could feel some of the bubbling of, "this is what I'm meant to do", coming up.   Then the tightness in my chest and the welling of tears.  I really wanted to enjoy and embrace the opportunity, but I walked away feeling extremely sad.

My husband and kids came to support me.  I got wonderful, caring feedback after the service.  I was even approached and told that I would be speaking again, many times.  When this wonderful woman said that to me, she was so confident it made me wonder if I had agreed to speak another time.  I hadn't, but it made me happy, sad and scared to hear about the possibility.

The very first time I did a public speech was in High School.  I was terrified and had a very difficult time finding a topic to talk about.  I finally decided that I'd talk about something that I didn't have to memorize.  I'd talk about a personal experience.  I took it as an opportunity to compassionately communicate how hurt I was when I was the new kid in school, 5 years prior, and I was treated very poorly.  With tacks on my chair, girls telling me I was ugly, to my face, and kids turning and walking away when I approached. I talked about how mean everyone was toward me and how lonely it felt in a new town with no friends.

The second time, was when I decided that I'd work as a clown at children's birthday parties.  I did so well with this type of speaking/performing, I built a business out of it and became a professional for ten years.

Then I became a fitness instructor teaching spinning classes and yoga classes.  All of this experience made it very clear to me that being a leader and speaker was something I had to do.  It is part of who I am.

Now, with fibromyalgia, I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next.  I know that during the dry, Summer months I feel my best.  I'm capable of doing more and I feel more confident about committing to things in the future.  The last two Summers, I thought I may have overcome the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and made some big plans that carried into the Fall and Winter.  Unfortunately, I had to cancel once the damp, cold weather rolled in.  I let myself down and others who were relying on me.

My heart feels as though it's torn in two.  I'm called to speak!  I'm called to tell my story and inspire others to tell their stories and share the gifts they've gotten from their stories.  I'm called to lead.  There's a fire in my soul to speak the truth and encourage others to do the same.  This illness.  How can I let that fire burn when this pain and fatigue take over my body?  My soul has a strong and passionate mission and my body is experiencing illness that doesn't allow my soul to soar.

I have great Faith that I will find a way to allow my soul to soar.  I'll keep listening to Spirit and following the breadcrumbs.  The answer is within me....somewhere and in time, I'll hear it loud and clear.

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