In my half wake, half sleep, I began to have these horrific dreams or thoughts. I tried to shift my thoughts and think about what I'm grateful for, but the dream had a strong hold. It was terrifying. I was able to interrupt the streaming story line of horror to be conscious enough to know that I had to move. I had to ground myself in the here and now. I immediately sat up, firmly placed my feet on the floor and opened my eyes wide. I could see that I was in my safe home and I could hear the sounds of all three of my children, confirming that they were all safe too.
I never know when the post traumatic stress disorder is going to rear it's ugly head. I often feel I have things under control. I avoid the news. I purposefully seek out movie reviews from friends to make sure it's something that won't trigger me. I know how to ground myself and be present. It just doesn't seem like enough because I'm still haunted by memories of my childhood or fears about my children's safety.
Once I knew where I was and what was going on, I sipped some water and wept. I didn't want to let the terror take over so I distracted myself by checking emails and FB, just trying to connect with the world I've created; a group of people and circumstances that are positive and forward moving. I was having difficulty figuring out what to do next. I was still stuck. I literally felt as though I was unable to move from sitting on the edge of the bed to anyplace. Then my husband came in and sat next to me. He must have had some sort of sixth sense because he showed up at the perfect time. I told him that I wasn't even out of bed yet, but I was already overwhelmed with the day ahead. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him about the dream. Maybe it was still too fresh. Ray sat with me for a while, kissed me on the forehead and headed back to work.
His presence gave me the strength to just get up and move. I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was doing, I just knew that sitting there, any longer, wasn't going to make things better. I wondered if I should eat then shower, then get dressed, then go food shopping then make our juices. Or should I go make breakfast for the kids, drink a juice, take a shower, get dressed, go shopping. I thought, maybe I should go out to exercise (in the rain), shower, drink my juice, make the phone calls that need to be made, go shopping.....AAAARRRRGG!! It was just too much! I chose to stand up and put my robe on. I made one decision at a time. I just kept moving.
My day progressed and I finally felt comfortable telling Ray why I was so out of sorts. He is so compassionate and loving. He kissed me and said he loves me and that everyone is safe and fine. Ray drove me to go shopping and we spent the afternoon making the juices together.
I'm grateful for my loving husband. I'm grateful that I have such wonderful triplets. I'm grateful to have such supportive friends and family surrounding me. I'm faithful that the PTSD and depression will subside and I'll experience life with ease and grace.
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