This morning was wobbly for me. I woke up with anxiety, I felt dizzy, my stomach was in knots and my guess is that I may have had bad dreams. Some of them I remember and some I don't. The dreams I don't remember seem to leave me restless like a wound up toy rolling in circles with no destination, just needing to unwind. So far, my best healing method for this feeling is exercise. It clears my head, allows me to 'run' in circles and release some of the anxiety and restlessness.
After my morning of centering and affirmations, I set out to take a walk. I was clear about not wanting any music or book on tape (that totally dated me)...I mean audio book. It seemed as though the sounds of nature were all my nerves could take while exercising. About two houses down the street, I began to feel tired and winded and it was downhill. I didn't want to turn back. I felt it was important to keep moving forward, so I slowed my pace. I think a snail may have passed me. At the slower pace, I was still raising my heart rate (I have an app that checks that) and I was organizing my thoughts. These were the original intensions of the exercise. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that it's not about pushing through. It's about the original intention, no matter how long it takes me or how my body may react. As I was coming up the hill, returning to my home, I could feel my hips working harder. My legs felt as though they were just hanging from a pin in my hip. My feet landed heavy and flat with each step. I stopped and leaned against my car, for a moment, took a deep breath of fresh air and smiled at the sight of my little garden, next to the door. The greens, a tomato plant with two little tomatoes finding their way, and one beautiful, yellow flower stowaway from last year's wild flower garden.
The house was cool, with all the windows open and a wonderful breeze coming in. I sat at the table to write down my thoughts, now organized; my to-do list for whenever I can complete it. I usually have a working list that's carefully prioritized in order to ensure that time sensitive tasks are cleared first. As I sat on the teak bench, left over from my yoga studio, I felt a sensation in my back but didn't put too much attention to it. I was enjoying conversation with my husband and watching my children emerge from their bedrooms, blurry eyed and hungry. I got a gentle, what I call, spirit nudge. So, I took a second to tune into my back and realized that there was numbness at my lower back and my hips were in a great amount of pain. I moved from the bench to the bedroom, to sit on the tempurpedic mattress. At first, I thought I would rest for a bit, with my legs up, but I got sidetracked to the laptop while sitting on the edge of the bed. After about 15 minutes, I was beckoned by a teenager to help in the other room. Getting up from sitting was slow but once on my feet, I sensed that the numbness had subsided and I consciously took my time moving to the other room. The intensity of the pain in my hips began to fade.
One thing on my to-do list was food shopping. We've been home from vacation for three days and since we emptied the refrigerator before we left and I haven't picked up any food yet, the natives were getting restless. My growing teens and husband were ready to go out with a cross bow to rustle up their own dinner. As I was mentally preparing for my trip, to buy food for the troops, I got a wave of exhaustion. I knew I couldn't put it off another day and I didn't want to. It feels good to provide nourishment for my family, just like a mamma bird and her young, without the regurgitation.
I was greeted at home with my boy mowing the lawn and my two girls ready to empty the car. Children really do come in handy sometimes. I'm grateful for their help and their smiles.
I'm beginning to realize that in order to be productive, I don't have to dart around and try to get as much done before crashing. I just need to take smaller steps. It was much more enjoyable and gave me a chance to notice the wonder around me.
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