Monday, June 24, 2013

A Process, Not a Destination

I've always believed that what we encounter and learn today is preparing us for something that is down the road.  We are ever evolving, growing and learning.  This thing called life is a process, not a destination.  Each experience is a stepping stone and the more aware we are of the choices we make and the stepping stones we take, the more we can create our experiences.

As someone with Fibromyalgia, Major Depression and a long list of other medical diagnosis, I don't think that I brought these on in this lifetime, but I do believe that my choices along the way, whether conscious or unconscious, have lead me to how I perceive my life now.  I've experienced great suffering because of the choices I've made.  My resistance to my physical needs when I was first diagnosed, caused my body more pain than needed.  I had to learn extreme self-care and find out who I am underneath the physical.  Sure, I can be very angry about my circumstances, I sometimes even get angry with myself, at times there's blame and shame.  What is important is to take note and be aware of when these emotions come up, allow them to come through with acceptance that emotions are normal.  Then remember who we truly are and how we'd like to move through the pain or sorrow.

I often go to memories of my childhood.  During the process of really looking at the trauma of my childhood, I could see that there were some gifts even back then.  These gifts continue to help me through tough times now, in my 40's.  One of the first stepping stones that I remember is the first word I read.  Most kids read, 'cat', or 'dog' but me...my first word was 'EXIT'.  I was walking through a store with my parents and I looked up and the letters, over the door, made sense to me.  The first time the symbols, that I've been shown, sang about all 26 of them and was given little books filled with the symbols, I read 'EXIT' first.  As a 5 or 6 year old, the most important word for me to know, was how to get out.  How to escape.  At the time, I had no idea that there was a reason why that was my first word, but it really helped me feel safer and more secure that I knew that if bad things happened, look for the word, 'EXIT'.

Another stepping stone for me was a little framed, cartoonish picture that my mom brought home for me one day.  She hung it in my bedroom.  I thought it was cute, with a little elf who was smiling and seemed joyful.  The quote on the picture was, "To Thine Own Elf Be True".  I must have been about 7 years old and I had no clue what that quote meant.  I couldn't wrap my brain around why my mom wanted me to think that I was an Elf.  I left the picture up for years, reading it over and over again thinking that maybe one day, I'll understand what the message was.  Many, and I mean many years later...well, college years, I finally got it.  Be true to myself!  The next step was to learn what that meant.  How can we be true to ourselves when there are so many expectations, in our culture, to put other people first, be selfless.  The word selfish was taboo.  It wasn't until my 30's did I realize that being selfish, taking care of yourself before others was a crucial part of being available to take care of others.  I realized also, that the picture from all those years ago, was a reminder to follow your own path, listen to the still small voice inside.  Learn, live and know your truth.  It is impossible to find and follow your destined path if you are following someone else's truth.

At 45 years old, I still use these important stepping stones from early in my life.  I realized that if I know my fibro triggers, I can try to avoid them or find the exit and remove myself from them.  I realize that extreme self care is not a negative thing.  It gives me energy, builds my joy and makes me want to reach out to others with exuberance and compassion.  When I sometimes forget these lessons along the way, I become depleted, creating a physical environment of more illness and feeling sorry for myself.  I must remind myself, every day, that even as a young child, I was guided to learn the word 'EXIT' for a reason.  I had guidance, strength and courage at a very young age and those things don't fade away.  They are part of who I am.


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