Thursday, June 20, 2013

I've Decided...I Don't Enjoy the Swings Anymore

Remember as a young child, we couldn't wait to go to the park to swing on the swings.  It took me so long to figure out how to pump my legs, but once I did, I felt so accomplished!  There was so much pride and it was fun.  I would think about trying to pump my feet hard enough to loop myself all the way around.

I bring my children to the park and one of my daughters will stay on the swings the entire time.  The other two enjoy them, still, but like to explore other areas of the park as well.

This is a great metaphor for adult life.  With the waxing and waning of pain and ups and downs of depression, these swings are no fun.  I'm constantly aware of keeping my thoughts and attitude positive even though just under the surface is pain and sadness.  It feels as if there is just this thin membrane keeping the rumblings of pain and tears from breaking through.  It seems as though my body is easily triggered lately.  Much more than before.  It's a feeling of being raw and if someone touches my skin it hurts. The emotions are triggered just as easily.  My body feels as thought there is no skin and my ribcage is broken open, exposing my heart.  There's a feeling of ripping or tearing of my heart.  Since I don't enjoy the swings any longer, I'll be exploring other areas of the park.

This morning I woke up in great spirits, I did my run.  And I was glad that it was less of a joggle and more of an actual run.  I took in the warmth of the sun and envisioned my day in Boston with my family.  As soon as I walked into my home, after the run, I was triggered by a comment.  I shifted my thinking, was aware of the shift in mood and chose to not react negatively.  A few minutes later I was triggered by actions that were the direct opposite of what I requested.  Again, I went through my tools and looked at the other side of things and chose react positively.  The Chronic Fatigue was beginning to show its face and the stressors were draining me.

The family got into the car, to head Boston, and just as we got on the highway, I realized the time.  We were an hour later than we had planned.  We had non-refundable tickets to enjoy the Boston Duck Tour and we were going to miss it.  My defenses were depleted and my swing was out of control.  I lost it.  My anger hit the roof.  I felt as though the planning of the day was all on my shoulders, including keeping time, keeping everyone moving in the right direction and making it to our destination on time.  These are the days when I feel as though my brain is clear and functioning well and I think that's the perception of others also, but today proves that's not the case.  We have a large paper calendar in the kitchen and each of us have linked calendar apps on our phones/ipods.  So my question is, why is it, no one else noticed the time we were suppose to be there and helped correct my obvious fibro brain?

It's a tough dilema when I present physically, emotionally and mentally okay, but we realize after the fact that I wasn't fine.  I was forgetting things, getting lost on my way to the YMCA, which is a straight, 3 mile shot from our house or I was getting into the car an hour late.  Today, I'm sure it had something to do with my brain saying that we had to leave by quarter to 10 and my language said 10:45.  I think I'm saying the correct thing.  Everyone around me thinks I'm saying the correct thing but without someone to double check my communications, we all get stuck on the swing.

Gratefully, as we were on the road and I was pitching a fit, my loving husband called ahead to see if we could take a later tour.  My state of mind had already determined that the day was shot and it was my fault.  There was that tiny sparkle of hope when I asked someone to step in and find out if we had any other options.  For the most part, I was almost to the point of giving up and Ray got confirmation that there was room on another tour.

This fibro fog, depression and pain swings are a challenge and I'm beginning to see signs of teenage metamorphosis.  I'm realizing that it is possible to find balance with family and health, but the transition is going to be interesting.

I am grateful that I just purchased my friend +Jackie Woodside's book, What if it's...Time For A Change.  I'm on the second chapter and it's helping me understand my change temperament.  I know it's different from younger, painless years, so I'll be looking at how I can prepare for change with other, energy draining, challenges in my life.

Here's to no swings tomorrow and less stress.

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