I Choose to Fly

With chronic illness, many times people are taken away from the things they use to do.  Activities they enjoyed, strived for and were good at.  Fibromyalgia is no different in the way that it has instigated shift in my life.  I'm compelled to look at my life differently now.  I went through a grieving process as I let go of the expectations and dreams I had before chronic illness.  I defined myself as the business owner, the long distance runner who planned to do a marathon, the risk-taker who flew on the trapeze, the spiritual leader and consummate learner.  I was convinced that all of those things were in the past and at one point, I had a shivering vision of being the mom, wife and homemaker who gave up on herself.  A shell of a person with no light in her eyes.

That vision rattled me and sparked the strength within.  I know that my life is not over and I don't have to live the rest of my life as a shell of my former self.  I'm only 45, people are living until 150 these days.  That's a long time to be in the world and unhappy.  NO WAY!  That would also be subjecting my family and friends to nothingness.  I wouldn't have anything to offer, give and share with them; just dead grey eyes.  I'm not done here, in my life and in the world.  I believe everyone has something to offer to benefit society, especially those who have challenges.  We're the ones who find out what we're made of and the choice between giving up or flying smacks us in the face.  I choose to fly!

Now that I've made the choice, I can move forward to explore how I can fly.  There's no wavering here.  I need to try new things, explore a different angle of the old things and listen to my inner voice.  One thing I do know about myself, at this time, is that my confidence fluctuates quite a bit with the challenges of major depression.  Medically, there's a treatment plan in place, but there must be a personal plan also.  I can't afford to waiver, I must stick to my choice to fly with a firm commitment.  As @Tony Robbins would say, "If you're going to take the Island, you must burn the boats.".  There's no turning back.

Looking at the things I assumed I wouldn't be able to do, I realize that with some small adjustments, I can still take part in some or most of them.  I'm able to do coaching sessions and Tarot card readings over the phone and I can schedule them for when they work for me.  There's my business.  It doesn't have to be a large, hustle and bustle business.  I can be an independent contractor making my own schedule and choosing who I work with to make sure I'm not overwhelmed and the quality of service stays in tact.  Running has always been a huge part of my life.  It's something that lifts my mood, keeps me fit, and brings me joy.  The vision of the marathon really wasn't about the marathon, it was about doing what I love to do and that's run.  Letting go of the attachment to what I use to define as running, I can redefine running to fit into my needs.  It's more like a joggle that turns into a walk.  I'm outside and I'm still enjoying the exercise.  As for the spiritual leader, I have a feeling this just comes through me.  Again, shifting my perception of what that use to mean.  I envisioned speaking on stage and sharing The Word and encouraging others to connect with their malkutah, inner kingdom.

It seems as though, I live this and may be a spiritual teacher just by being and living it.  Also, I can learn through books, documentaries, online classes that have no time frame to complete.  The trapeze...I'll let go of that one.  Just thinking about it makes my body hurt, so I guess it wouldn't bring me joy anymore.

As for new options, I'm still exploring.  Writing brings me joy and doesn't feel like a chore.  It seems to be something that my heart just feels it needs to do.  I'm also pretty good at predicting the weather.  My body tells me when a cold front or rain is coming.  When the barometric pressure drops, so does my energy and a weight sits on my shoulders.

It feels as though I have a good start to finding the 'new' things that I can do in this world that bring me joy.  Ultimately, I know it's more about being.  Once we are comfortable being who we are truly meant to be, our gifts naturally emerge with ease and grace.  That's flying.


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