Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Vacationing in Shambhala

It's been one of those days.  Every minute was a challenge to focus on the gifts and to stay positive.  I utilized all my tools to combat the negative thoughts, the physical and emotional pain and it was exhausting.  I had two back-to-back doctor's appointments an hour away from home.  I've become aware that when a doctor begins to ask me questions, I fall into the defensive.  I've encountered many physicians who have told me, to my face, that Fibromyalgia is a catch-all diagnosis and that I'm just too sensitive.  The next step was to pull out the prescription pad and send me home with pills.  It took a year and a half for doctors to realize that my body was not tolerating prescription meds and that was after numerous ER visits with side effects.  I had been communicating, as best as I could, that I have never been able to take prescription medications.  It got to a point where doctors would look at my laundry list of medications that made me very sick and told me that they 'prescribe', so there was nothing they could do for me.  One particular doctor said to me, "I just don't know what to do with you."  With a foggy brain, poor memory and low comprehension skills during a flare, I was ineffective in advocating for myself.  So, today, I brought my husband along for support and also as an extra set of ears in case I didn't understand or couldn't communicate well.  Once the doctor began asking me questions, my anxiety began to raise and I became fearful that she either wouldn't support the diagnosis of fibromyalgia or she wouldn't hear what I had to say.  I've often felt judged in situations like that.  When Ray noticed my anxiety heighten, he quietly leaned over and reminded me that the doctor is just collecting information.  He said she's not judging me, she is just trying to help me by determining what the next treatment step would be.  With his support, I was able to breathe a little easier.  In the end, the doctor did come up with a treatment plan that I was ready to try and it doesn't include any pills.

I left the appointments feeling hopeful, although there was still this inner tugging of sadness.  I feel this tugging every day and I bless this sensation my body is feeling, I affirm that I am healthy and whole and I ask to know the blessing, now.  Sometimes I get an answer, but not today and that's okay.

My physical and emotional energy levels felt depleted when we got home.  This is a familiar experience in my body and I know what I need to do when I get to that point.  I need to have a little to eat and to lay down.  Sometimes, resting my body in a quiet and comfortable space helps me recover in a matter of a half hour or, sometimes it takes the rest of the day.  Not today, I needed to drive my kids here and there, then we had a much needed family meeting, which lasted a great deal longer than planned.  Granted, at this point I still hadn't rested or eaten.  As my energy plummets, it is much harder to manage the pain and depression.  That tugging becomes a strong pull until everything hurts and the tears feel inevitable.

My rest has begun, six hours after it was truly needed.  I definitely pushed myself too far today.  This is good to know, so I can plan things much better next time.  Small snacks to bring in the car would have helped.  Agreeing on an end time for our family meeting could have helped or even having the family meeting in my bedroom while I rested could be helpful next time.  All good lessons for me to keep in mind.

After today, I've decided that I'm going on vacation.  I'm going to the wonderfully sacred place of Shambhala.  Many people believe this place to be a myth and many believe it to be a state of mind you can reach through enlightenment.  I choose to believe that it's a real and beautiful place of love and peace.  A place that knows the secrets of being and living in harmony with each other and our planet.  I'm going to rest and rejuvenate and learn some of the ancient teachings so I can bring them back with me to share them with my community.

Part of the myth is that when the world reaches the worst point ever with violence, natural disasters and overwhelming poverty, the residents of Shambhala will emerge and teach us how to live without violence and in harmony with our planet earth.  Before this happens, more of us need to wake up.  We each need to take responsibility for our part in the demise of the planet.  Then take massive action to correct where we have gone astray.

My journey begins in about 10 minutes when I close my eyes for the evening.  For now, I can only travel to Shambhala in my dreams, but maybe someday, I'll be flying off to the Himalayas.  I can let go of the circumstances of my day and know that my soul is whole, healthy, peaceful and connected to the energies of Shambhala.  Bon Voyage!

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